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(satire?)

My 6-Point Plan For Labour To Win The Next Election

by Dan Hodges

1) First of all, Labour needs to ditch the colour red. Let’s be frank, red doesn’t look good on anybody and appearance is everything when out campaigning for votes on the doorstep. A much more neutral, flattering colour should be adopted by Labour. For example blue or yellow both look good – although never together of course. That would be a recipe for disaster.

2) If it wants to have any hope of winning the next election, Labour needs to go back to its more conservative working class roots. Millions of potential Labour voters have been alienated by Labour’s more radical middle-class Guardian-friendly policies. Fortunately, this is a relatively easy problem for Labour to solve. If Labour put Rupert Murdoch and Richard Desmond in charge of it policy review before the next election, the party would then be guaranteeing itself the votes of the many millions of working class voters who read the Sun and the Express.

3) If Labour ever wants to win an election, it will need to make inroads into the solidly anti-Labour south-east of England. In order to do this Labour will need to ditch the name Labour. The word ‘Labour’ conjures up negative associated words – such as ‘cheap’ or ‘casual’ and only serves to make south-east England voters think they are being led by a bunch of flat-capped, pigeon-fancying northerners. A more conservative name is needed, something that will show that the party will seek to conserve the affluent lifestyle many people in the south-east of the country enjoy. I suggest something along the lines of the “Conserving Party”.

4) Labour will definitely need to ditch Ed Miliband as its leader if it ever wants to win the next election. Who’s going to vote for someone who looks like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit – a working class eccentric who loves English cheese, Lancashire hotpot and a cup of tea, loves his dog, has a kindly nature, a good heart and always means well? Much better to get someone much more credible as a leader – for example a public school, bullying Flashman type but with a more down-to-earth name like Iain, or Michael or David. After all who would you prefer running the country – Wallace or Flashman?

5) It’s all very well having nice, moral left-wing policies but from the strategic point of view, they are a bit of a disaster. If Labour wants to start winning votes from more right-wing voters, the party will need to be much less tribal in its long-term decision to position itself on the left of the political spectrum. It must show itself willing to be just as right-wing as any other party. After all, nice, moral policies are no good if they’re never going to get you elected, are they?

6)  Labour are making a huge strategic mistake by pushing forward policies which only benefit the poor. If it wants to win the next election, Labour will need to start introducing policies which are attractive to people who are much more able to fill party coffers with much-needed cash. Political parties need money to run a successful election campaign – lots of it – and the poor don’t have much to donate. So come on Labour – let’s see you introducing more policies guaranteed to please the people in the country who really matter – the ultra-wealthy potential party donors.

To sum up. If Labour wants to have any hope of winning the next election, it will need to become a more blue, right-wing, conservative party led by a public school, bullying Flashman type called Dave whose donor-friendly policies are decided by the Sun and Daily Express. Do that – and victory will be ours!

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

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Scientific study reveals up to 95% of Tory DNA is Neanderthal

Labour defector Luke Bozier posts pictures of his willy on Craigslist – UPDATE

Who would you prefer as PM? Wallace or Flashman?

Genealogists Confirm David Cameron Is A Bastard

David Cameron’s Advanced Driving Tips

Confirmation – Cameron to play Buzz Lightyear in Tory Story 4

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