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(satire?)

  • Shock as medical experts confirm baby’s blood is red not blue
  • Specialists called in after no silver eating implements detected in baby’s mouth
  • Doctors reveal baby goes poo-poo and wee-wee unlike other members of the royal family
  • Outrage after royal baby refuses to wave to the crowd –  cries instead

There was anger and shock on the streets of Britain today after doctors revealed Kate Middleton had not given birth to an heir to the throne but had produced a normal little baby boy instead.

Surprise quickly turned to outrage as many adoring members of the public realised the royal baby – who is third-in-line to the throne – would wee and poo and cry and look exactly like a fat, bald wrestler just like any other new-born baby.

Medical experts who were present at the royal birth also confirm Kate didn’t act much like a Duchess during the most painful parts of the process either.

In response to Prince William’s statement while holding her hand that “everything’s going to be OK“, Kate was said to have replied “Oh thank you big f**king Willy Know-It-All – why not try sh*tting a football out of your f**king c*ck first before telling me everything’s going to be f**king OK? Alright?”

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Country celebrates as Cameron gives birth to popular baby

Prince Harry Heralds New Era Of Royal Openness By Getting His Tackle Out At A Party

Benefits limited to first two royal children in bid to cut bloated welfare bill

Duchess of Cambridge delights at first official portrait of her sister’s bottom

Gary Barlow gets OBE for charity work with unemployed elderly royals

Prince Philip admitted to hospital as a precautionary measure against having to watch Gary Barlow in concert

Big Ben’s tower to be renamed in honour of luxury cruise ship

Queen Hits Out At Cruel Tyrants By Inviting Them For Lunch

Scandal as Topless and Legless Royalty Denied Disability Benefits by DWP

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