(satire?)
Education secretary Michael Gove’s efforts to revolutionise learning in England’s schools will see five-year-olds learning in their first year that going to school is a tedious, mind-blowingly pointless activity, according to final versions of the new national curriculum published on Monday.
Among the changes being introduced are a requirement for more interminably monotonous tones to be used by teachers in design and technology lessons, as well as subjects such as history and geography to include a lot more soul-destroyingly dull lessons full of irrelevant facts that young children will learn to hate by heart.
According to a Whitehall source:
The introduction of pointless tedium into the national curriculum will prepare state education children much better for the kind of monotonous work such as shelf-stacking and burger flipping which probably awaits them when they leave school.
Boredom and monotony will become the standard in our schools – and this combined with spiritless, fed-up teachers will ensure all schools will be falling over themselves to become academies or free schools just to escape the mind-numbingly tedious national curriculum we’ve introduced.
Key skills such as whinging and carping in many subjects have been brought forward in a child’s school career, so primary-age pupils will be given a lot more annoyingly dull tasks for them to complain about from a much younger age.
David Cameron hailed the new curriculum as “rigorous, engaging and guaranteed to bore the arse off the most gifted pupils”.
He continued:
As a parent this is exactly the kind of thing I want my children to be learning if they were poor enough to have to go to a state school and end up doing a dead-end job.
And as prime minister I know this revolution in education is critical for Britain’s prosperity because it will ensure a steady stream of poorly-educated Poundstretcher fodder for me and my mates to exploit in the decades to come .
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Related articles by Tom Pride:
Gove announces plan to phase out teaching in schools
EXCLUSIVE – leaked sample questions from Michael Gove’s new GCSE Mathematics examination
How The Gove Stole Summer (with apologies to Dr. Suess)
Gove unveils new GCSEs with emphasis on cold baths and six of the best from a well-oiled cane
Toby Young – disabled children should be excluded from schools
Johnson – let’s have more schools with lashings of junk food and no disabled children
BBFC – Michael Gove ‘too scary’ for under-12s
New English Bacchanalian exam to focus on core subjects of drinking, swearing and fighting
Gove – free bibles to boost nutritional standards on school menus
Government Baffled By Surprise 10% Fall In University Applications After Tripling Of Fees
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The school hymn will become ” all you need is gove ” that will bore anyone..
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Every time Gove speaks, I am reminded that a village somewhere has lost its idiot.
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Reblogged this on kickingthecat.
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When I was at school in the 60’s we studied the roundheads and the cavaliers, the war of the roses etc. I played truant whenever this came up i hated it.
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PS I became more interested as I got older so maybe we should not go to school until we are 18 and above?
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Nothing wrong with teaching children about history and geography so that they can learn about how we won our glorious Empire when the world atlas was mainly pink.
Armed with such knowledge and an SA80 the ones who become part time self stackers will be able to proudly don the uniform of our Sovereign at weekends and obtain six months leave from their Mc Job to visit Johnny Foreigner in his homeland and murder him and his family on a part time basis and on the whim of our democratically elected leaders and the good old US of A.
These self same leaders who are also part timers will then hand over power to their surly looking dim witted sidekick, retire and become super rich but detested by those who were taken in by their false pretty straight kinda guy personna.
Meanwhile our erstwhile shelf stacker who is now disabled, homeless and suffering from ptsd will have been replaced by Eastern Europeans who don’t speak the language but are here to do the jobs that the bone idle Brits won’t do when they are not stealing everything not nailed down and getting pissed out of their skulls on anti-freeze.
Bring back the birch, politicians will pay good money for that sort of thing.
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Aynuck – actually the East Europeans I’ve met have mostly been able to speak English better than some of the natives.
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Guy – as a retired roundhead general in Cromwell’s New Model Army, I can assure you it was anything but boring at the time.
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I presume all this ‘early learning’ nonsense is to enable the young to understand a tory party manifesto…..?
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Tom
Perhaps elocution lessons should be on the national curriculum so that we can all sound like public school clones.
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what a dire world we pass on to the young!
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You obviously don’t live here in the Midlands then Tom, and as a lefty why are you always so quick to sneer at grammatical errors by white working classes let down by Labours failed education policies?
I know that the definition of Brummies and Black Country folk is ‘two and a half million people with a speech impediment’ but the dregs of Eastern Europe seem to have settled in multi occupancy hovels around here.
Most of the EU migrants in this neck of the woods spend their time shoplifting, driving without valid licences or motor vehicle insurance whilst pissed, or when their cars have been seized and impounded by overstretched police, urinating and vomiting in the street after long afternoons in parks on cheap cider.
These are the well mannered ones, just wait until their badly brought up friends from the Balkans show up here.
Perhaps the plan is to force us to embrace our Islamic brethren as a lesser evil?
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Are you sure that you didn’t mean ‘public school clowns’ Guy Fawkes?
A young lad from the Black Country who met the height criteria and against all odds did ok at school wanted to become a Guards officer, but his strong Black Country accent immediately ruled him out when he greeted the adjundant at Sandhurst with a cheery ‘worro ode pal’.
The CSM who was a Brummie saw this exchange and took a bit of a shine to the disappointed lad, and he decided to offer him some tuition on how to be accepted as a an officer of the Brigade of Guards.
He took the lad to one side and asked him what grew on his head? ‘Hair’ was the puzzled reply.
The CSM then asked what was the name of the place where a wolf lived?
‘Lair’ replied the bemused lad.
The CSM then asked what was opposite to ‘here’?
‘There’ the nonplussed recruit answered.
The wizened old CSM then instructed the lad to join the three words together one after the other and he sent him marching smartly to the adjndants office.
‘Hair, Lair, There’ the boy said in greeting and the Adjundant replied ‘Oh, Hairlair-there old boy, do take a pew’.
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Aynuck – so you think before 1997 all Brits spoke perfect, lyrical, poetic English?
I can assure you most people spoke bad English when I was at school – which was around 350 years ago – well before Blair and Brown arrived on the scene to lower standards I would imagine.
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@ Tom Pride
‘Aynuck – so you think before 1997 all Brits spoke perfect, lyrical, poetic English?
I can assure you most people spoke bad English when I was school – which was around 350 years ago – well before Blair and Brown arrived on the scene to lower standards I would imagine.’
How would you define ‘good English’ then Tom?
For instance the Black Country dialect is said to be the closest spoken dialect to Old English, but until quite recently it was almost universally dismissed as a type of cant used by lower working classes in parts of the West Midlands.
Social commentators and university professors who have studied the dialect continuum or the chain of mutual intelligibility however are often quoted as saying that the Black Country dialect would have been understood by William Shakespeare and the dialect is the nearest that a person living in the 21st century will ever come to hearing the language spoken by Shakespeare.
How much more lyrical and poetic could one hope to be?
The fact is that language is continually evolving, there is no such thing as ‘good English’ or ‘bad English’ when evaluating the effort made to communicate ones ideas and thoughts to others.
The influence of the US on spoken English and in electronic communication has meant that many well thought out points contain grammatical errors.
Incidentally I hope that you won’t mind me pointing out that your sentence ‘I can assure you most people spoke bad English when I was school’ is obviously true because your sentence was not grammatically correct. 🙂
[Aynuck – so according to you, ‘bad’ English didn’t even exist historically until Labour with its ‘failed education policies’ came to power in 1997? Interesting argument.] – Tom
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