Education secretary Michael Gove’s efforts to revolutionise learning in England’s schools will see five-year-olds learning in their first year that going to school is a tedious, mind-blowingly pointless activity, according to final versions of the new national curriculum published on Monday.
Among the changes being introduced are a requirement for more interminably monotonous tones to be used by teachers in design and technology lessons, as well as subjects such as history and geography to include a lot more soul-destroyingly dull lessons full of irrelevant facts that young children will learn to hate by heart.
According to a Whitehall source:
The introduction of pointless tedium into the national curriculum will prepare state education children much better for the kind of monotonous work such as shelf-stacking and burger flipping which probably awaits them when they leave school.
Boredom and monotony will become the standard in our schools – and this combined with spiritless, fed-up teachers will ensure all schools will be falling over themselves to become academies or free schools just to escape the mind-numbingly tedious national curriculum we’ve introduced.
Key skills such as whinging and carping in many subjects have been brought forward in a child’s school career, so primary-age pupils will be given a lot more annoyingly dull tasks for them to complain about from a much younger age.
David Cameron hailed the new curriculum as “rigorous, engaging and guaranteed to bore the arse off the most gifted pupils”.
As a parent this is exactly the kind of thing I want my children to be learning if they were poor enough to have to go to a state school and end up doing a dead-end job.
And as prime minister I know this revolution in education is critical for Britain’s prosperity because it will ensure a steady stream of poorly-educated Poundstretcher fodder for me and my mates to exploit in the decades to come .
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