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Education secretary Michael Gove’s efforts to revolutionise learning in England’s schools will see five-year-olds learning in their first year that going to school is a tedious, mind-blowingly pointless activity, according to final versions of the new national curriculum published on Monday.

Among the changes being introduced are a requirement for more interminably monotonous tones to be used by teachers in design and technology lessons, as well as subjects such as history and geography to include a lot more soul-destroyingly dull lessons full of irrelevant facts that young children will learn to hate by heart.

According to a Whitehall source:

The introduction of pointless tedium into the national curriculum will prepare state education children much better for the kind of monotonous work such as shelf-stacking and burger flipping which probably awaits them when they leave school.

Boredom and monotony will become the standard in our schools – and this combined with spiritless, fed-up teachers will ensure all schools will be falling over themselves to become academies or free schools just to escape the mind-numbingly tedious national curriculum we’ve introduced.

Key skills such as whinging and carping in many subjects have been brought forward in a child’s school career, so primary-age pupils will be given a lot more annoyingly dull tasks for them to complain about from a much younger age.

David Cameron hailed the new curriculum as “rigorous, engaging and guaranteed to bore the arse off the most gifted pupils”.

He continued:

As a parent this is exactly the kind of thing I want my children to be learning if they were poor enough to have to go to a state school and end up doing a dead-end job.

And as prime minister I know this revolution in education is critical for Britain’s prosperity because it will ensure a steady stream of poorly-educated Poundstretcher fodder for me and my mates to exploit in the decades to come .


Related articles by Tom Pride:

Gove announces plan to phase out teaching in schools

EXCLUSIVE – leaked sample questions from Michael Gove’s new GCSE Mathematics examination

How The Gove Stole Summer (with apologies to Dr. Suess)

Gove unveils new GCSEs with emphasis on cold baths and six of the best from a well-oiled cane

Toby Young – disabled children should be excluded from schools

Johnson – let’s have more schools with lashings of junk food and no disabled children

BBFC – Michael Gove ‘too scary’ for under-12s

New English Bacchanalian exam to focus on core subjects of drinking, swearing and fighting

Gove – free bibles to boost nutritional standards on school menus

Act Of Gove: an event beyond human control – often of a destructive nature – for which there is no legal redress

Government Baffled By Surprise 10% Fall In University Applications After Tripling Of Fees


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