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How The Gove Stole Summer

In which Dr. Suess posthumously questions Michael Gove’s decision to abolish summer holidays for school children 

Every schoolchild in England liked summer a lot...
But the Gove, who lived in Westminster, did NOT!
The Gove hated summer! The whole summer season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, his shoes or his heart,
Gove stood there in July, watching school holidays start,
Staring down from his office with a sour, Govey frown,
At the happy boys and girls below in the town.
"They're happy and carefree!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is summer holidays! They're practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Gove fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop summer from coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the children would wake,
Bright and early the next morning to a long summer break.

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing Gove hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
And he knew all the children would play and be happy.
And they'd play! And be happy! Be HAPPY!
HAPPY! HAPPY!
They'd play games in the garden, and eat lots of tasty snacks,
Instead of doing tests, and going up chimney stacks,
And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every schoolchild in England, the tall and the small,
Once summer vacation was fully in swing,
Would play and be happy and forget who was KING!
They'd play and forget HE was king! KING!
KING! KING!

And the more the Gove thought what summmer would bring,
The more the Gove thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, I've put up with being a nobody for so long till now!"
"I MUST stop this summer from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GOVE GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The GOVE laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick costume from parts of a goat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great GOVEY trick!"
"With these horns and these hooves, I look just like Old Nick!"

"All I need is a reason..." The Gove looked around.
But, since his reason was scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Gove? No! The Gove simply said,
"If I can't find a reason, I'll invent one instead!"
So he called his friend, Murdoch. And they made up some shit,
About selling off playing fields and being forced to permit 
The wholesale starvation and privatisation,
Of the nation's school buildings and state education.

Now I'm sorry this tale is so short and so snappy,
But unlike the original, this ending won't be so happy.
Because the GOVE isn't just a fictional monstrosity,
He's real flesh and blood, and full of pomposity,
So parents watch out! It's not just the summer vacation,
The GOVE'S out to get YOU - and your children's education!

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You can get Dr Seuss’s original version of the story here:

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Gove announces plan to phase out teaching in schools

EXCLUSIVE – leaked sample questions from Michael Gove’s new GCSE Mathematics examination

Gove unveils new GCSEs with emphasis on cold baths and six of the best from a well-oiled cane

Toby Young – disabled children should be excluded from schools

Johnson – let’s have more schools with lashings of junk food and no disabled children

BBFC – Michael Gove ‘too scary’ for under-12s

New English Bacchanalian exam to focus on core subjects of drinking, swearing and fighting

Gove – free bibles to boost nutritional standards on school menus

Act Of Gove: an event beyond human control – often of a destructive nature – for which there is no legal redress

Government Baffled By Surprise 10% Fall In University Applications After Tripling Of Fees

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