(satire – or is it?)
POLICE forces across the UK are set to radically change the tactics they use to combat crime by shifting their focus and resources away from shagging hippies and smearing murder victims to trying to catch criminals.
The unprecedented plan to fight crime by attempting to catch people who break the law comes after criticism that previous tactics by the police whereby undercover officers had sex with animal right’s activists and spied on families of black murder victims has proven to be ineffective at reducing crime.
The new approach to fighting crime is expected to include the following changes in police tactics:
- Fewer officers to be deployed in the vaginas of female animal rights activists.
- Shifts in focus away from the surveillance of the families of black murder victims to the investigation of possible suspects – even in cases where officers suspect the perpetrators may be white.
- More resources to be concentrated on the investigation of crimes and fewer on the cover-up of cock-ups by undercover officers and the babies resulting from them.
- Greater use of scarce police manpower in the pursuit of criminals than on the pursuit of attractive Greenpeace members.
A police spokesperson explained that the changes were a result of recent research which shows that tricking Greenpeace activists into having sex with undercover police officers is not the most effective way of tackling law breaking and anti social behaviour.
Many experts also point to extensive data which shows that the most effective way of solving a murder is not to concentrate resources on smearing the victim and his family – even if he is black.
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