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Michael Gove has unveiled major reforms to the way GCSE examinations are conducted in England, saying that applications of six of the best to the nether regions from a well-oiled cane and character-building cold baths will be a central part of the new GCSE syllabus.

The Education Secretary also told MPs in the House of Commons that the new exam-only qualifications would have more emphasis on regular beatings on the bare buttocks with a finely stitched leather strap in order to equip the nation’s fallen Godless, Devil-spawned youth to perform better in the modern world.

In his report titled In Praise of Stout Educational Virtues and Avoidance of Unwholesome Excesses of Youth, Mr Gove also said that if schools are to avoid an excess of cads, ruffians, suffragettes and fallen women, then the experience of being made to stand in a freezing bath while reciting passages from the Bible while at the same time ensuring all naked table legs were adequately covered in order to avoid arousal of bestial urges – would spur children on to further endeavours and deeper learning.

Gove professed himself a great fan of Daniel Willingham, a US cognitive psychologist who has sought to use scientific research to show pupils learn best through the use of pain, repressed sexuality, self-flagellation and hypocrisy, arguments outlined in his book, Why Don’t Our Children Like Going Up Chimneys Any More? also popular with free schools guru Toby Young.


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Michael Gove to scrap education in exams shakeup

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Act Of Gove: an event beyond human control – often of a destructive nature – for which there is no legal redress

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Education Secretary – lack of teaching no excuse for poor academic achievement


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