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The Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has pledged to introduce measures to create a “cleaner, better parliament” – including a guarantee he will personally mop the floors and empty the bins at least once a week, even during the holidays.

He also guaranteed that all Liberal Democrat ministers would be prepared to regularly dust the government benches and polish their Tory coalition partners’ red ministerial boxes – if they agreed to let them keep their seats in the cabinet.

However Mr Clegg stopped short of guaranteeing he would help clean opposition benches – saying Ed Miliband would have to guarantee him a seat in his cabinet after the next election otherwise he would have to clean his own benches.

Writing in the Daily Telegraph on Monday, Clegg said he was optimistic the plan could be forced through parliament -especially if he included a pledge that the Liberal Democrat Chief Secretary Danny Alexander would hoover and make the tea before every meeting of the coalition cabinet.

Tory officials welcomed the plans but they said Cameron would only be prepared to support the Liberal Democrat proposals if Mr Clegg agreed to supply custard creams to go along with the tea too.


Related articles by Tom Pride:

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Fresh outbreak of Foot-in-Mouth in Eastleigh as attempts to quarantine Tory candidate fail

Zoologists – Vince Cable and Ed Balls ready to mate soon

Revealed! Nick Clegg’s secret love going back to his student days


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