(satire – or is it?)
The government came under pressure tonight to introduce restrictions on middle-aged men and ice-cream after research shows proven links with murders.
After the recent convictions and jailing of Stuart Hazell, Mick Philpott and Mark Bridger for murder, experts have said there is a “worrying link” between their middle-age and the crimes they went on to commit.
A study has called for “effective measures” to curb the ease with which middle-aged men are allowed to move freely in society without any effective controls after statistics revealed most murders and crimes of violence are committed by men between the ages of 25 and 45.
Crime experts painstakingly built up a profile of Mark Bridger and after weeks of intensive study and detailed research concluded he was 47 years old.
And earlier this month, Stuart Hazell was jailed for the murder of his partner’s 12-year-old-granddaughter. During his trial the Old Bailey heard how detectives spent months constructing a complex jigsaw of information to conclude Hazell is 37.
Bridger, like Hazell and Philpott, had no previous convictions for murder but the fact all three men are middle-aged can not be put down to mere coincidence.
However, criminal profilers are also increasingly becoming convinced that consumption of ice-cream could be an important factor in the root causes of murders.
Research in the US has shown a clear link between consumption of ice-cream and marked increases in murder rates – statistical evidence borne out here in the UK by the fact that virtually all convicted murderers have admitted to eating ice-cream at some point in their lives.
Mick Philpott, Mark Bridger, Stuart Hazell as well as the accused Woolwich murderer Michael Adebowale are all suspected of consuming ice-cream at least once in their lives – and in some cases on a fairly regular basis.
Isn’t it about time the government did something about these disgusting blights on civilised society and cleared our streets of the scourge of middle-aged men and ice cream?
After all the nonsense which has been written recently about the so-called links between murder and religion, race, benefits claimants or on-line pornography – isn’t it time someone pointed out one simple fact to our tabloid journalists and politicians.
Related articles by Tom Pride:
Please feel free to comment – you don’t need to register and I’m extremely minimal with the moderating – so please go ahead.
If you click on any of these buttons below, you’ll be doing me a favour by sharing this article with other people. Thanks: