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(satire – barely)

Singer Justin Bieber is taking advantage of the UK’s strict libel laws to sue thousands of Twitter users for asking the question why the f**k is he always trending on the popular social media platform.

This morning Mr Bieber asked police to investigate potentially tens of thousands of people in the UK who have failed to apologise for suggesting in tweets that they are completely baffled how someone so talentless could possibly be of interest to so many people.

Mr Bieber’s legal representatives explained the reasons why he was planning to sue people in the UK for asking the question about the singer which is on everyone’s lips around the world.

In a statement, Mr Bieber’s lawyers said:

Although he clearly can’t sing, Justin’s got lots of money – and UK law allows anyone with lots of money to sue the pants off anybody who hasn’t – so why not?

Mr Bieber has promised to take on the “Twittering fraternity” and to force people to “start thinking about what they are saying” before posting messages wondering out loud how someone who can’t sing and looks like a girl could have possibly become so popular.

Last week the BBC – which linked Mr Bieber to allegations of music abuse on Newsnight – settled with the singer for £185,000.

He is also seeking up to £500,000 in damages from ITV after This Morning presenter Philip Schofield showed a list of alleged tone-deaf pop stars  – on which Mr Bieber’s name could clearly be seen – to David Cameron.

Scotland Yard have said that they are prepared to commit as much time and manpower as necessary to helping rich people get more money – especially if they are famous or are Lords – instead of investigating crimes which affect more common-or-garden UK citizens such as burglary or robbery.

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