Tags
elections, EU, human rights, immigration, open government, UKIP
(satire – I think)
Fruitcakes, bananas and nuts across the country are expressing fury at suggestions in the media that they are in any way similar to supporters of UKIP.
In a statement released to the press, a spokesperson for an alliance of assorted fruits along with fruitcakes explained the reasons why so many of them object to being compared to members of the Europhobic party lead by Nigel Farage:
It’s outrageous that innocent fruit and cakes are being compared to UKIP. There have never been any recorded instances of bananas, nuts or fruitcakes being homophobic or racist. And we wouldn’t be seen dead wearing blazers either.
The fruitcake denial comes not long after other groups representing cuckoos and hatstands also released statements strongly objecting to being compared to a party of people who try to make out they’re libertarians but in reality are just a bunch of overweight, grumpy, right-wing authoritarians who don’t like foreigners and homosexuals much.
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Related articles by Tom Pride:
UKIP candidate – physical exercise prevents homosexuality (no – not satire)
Nigel Farage, the Tea Party Godfather and the man who tried to trash the pound. Twice.
UKIP chairman – every UK city should have 1 or 2 ‘holding’ camps for immigrants
Cameron must be balder to counter UKIP threat say senior Tory slapheads
Shock as fringe, right-wing “Tory” party comes 3rd in Eastleigh by-election
UKIP candidate – UK dinners flooded by criminal gangs of eastern European horses
If UKIP is so bloody libertarian – why has it said nothing against secret courts?
Government ministers announce plan to deter immigrants to UK by making it shit
See sample of new negative ads about UK for Romania and Bulgaria
Oops! Daily Mail gets British immigration test wrong
Daily Mail – Outrage As Number Of UK Immigrants On Podiums Hits Record Levels!
UKIP and a little matter of bestiality and necrophilia …..
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Please feel free to comment – you don’t need to register and I’m extremely minimal with the moderating – so please go ahead.
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Pride's Purge 
Dayo, Dayo, Dayo ………….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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fawkes…creepy syncro….harry belafonte…day lite come and i want to go home…top of my voice as i read this post earlier
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food i swallow is not poison…if i swallow their words, i am poisoned….food is fuel provided by nature to sustain me….but to get it they say..i must first swallow their words…so indeed nature speaks of outrage…to be compared with them…as is they desire to be gatekeepers to my gut…and therefore control the vitals, that nature originally provided for free…..skara brea..
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hahahaha – priceless! 🙂
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funny..enough the scottish book trust…have today invited me to write about one’s greatest treasure…i would say it is one’s soul…but then they go onto qualify this as an object…so now i am at a loss to know what they mean by treasure…and what is the glittering object they deem me to describe….
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Saw this elsewhere with a slightly different slant. Interesting this was a direct attack on Bananas, Fruitcakes and Nuts (BF&N) rather than members of UKIP. Left me wondering if parliamentary privilege would be granted to Mister Clarke under these circumstances. Having just eaten I am (for the time being) slightly constituted of BF&N and am wondering if I should feel defamed. I would urge all readers to understand that my digestive tract intends to turn all ingested BF&N into poo in the shortest time. I will happily courier Mr Clarke the results to he can see for himself and be assured I will not be voting UKIP.
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So that’s why you call yourself the phantomplopper?
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we stand on the precipice of the country being run by the ukip fruit & nut brigade as opposed to the tory bled coalition and wonder – is this the right choice for us and if so where did democracy go????
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Indeed! Best of luck with the blowing up of Parliament in this incarnation Mister Fawkes.
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It’s not only UKIP candidates who are fruit salad… David Miliband if you recall was outed as a prize banana and a frequenter of monkey houses and shortly enough after that he disappeared under a large stand of rhubarb…. in disgrace.
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The phantom plopper.
just for you .youtube.com/watch?v=tXTN2i7FcfI
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sorry correct link here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXTN2i7FcfI
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Reblogged this on nearlydead.
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Thank you kindly mister Fawkes! I hear IDS is unworried by an attack on the Palace of Westminster because he could “easily survive” “if he had to”
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Indeed. Anyone speaking ill of Boris Johnson is a “lefty tosser” which is causing some alarm due Mark Driscoll’s statement : “masturbation can be a form of homosexuality”
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The phantomplopper
They say rats and cockroaches can survive anything!
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It’s clear that some of us who are so casually derided as nuts, bananas, fruitcakes, clowns, homophobic closet racists or any other taunting description utilised by out of touch politicians, commentators or satirists will no longer put up with being ignored and disenfranchised.
The problem for the uber literate tofu munchers and gap year knobheads who have yet to experience a days work in their cosy rainbow tinted lives is that those of us who have the most to lose by being elbowed yet again to the back of the queue by those who never contributed and will never contribute a penny piece towards funding the resources that they will come here to use get to have our say as well.
We know you don’y like it when we actually turn out to vote for those who think the same thoughts as we do.
It obviously suits you best when us horny handed stubble chinned flag waving chavvy whiteys, who have worked our bollocks off for all of our lives for nothing much to show, stay at home in our council houses smoking, watching Constipaton Street on our yet to be paid for 300 inch plasma tv’s drinking super strength lager whilst slouching on our orange boxes in uncarpeted rooms, but alas, we have spoken. Ignore us at your peril.
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aynuck
but do you really know what you have voted for, other than an end to immigration by exiting Europe?
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ps I did not mean that to sound glib or patronizing.
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Not taken as glib or patronising GF and I’m happy to discuss this issue with you as honestly and fairly as I am able to.
It’s quite true that UKIP’s stated policies need to be reviewed and sorted out, but so do the policies of the three main political parties in preparation for the next General election.
I’ve read the scare stories and the smears but for me, a 61 year old working class man who left school at 15 and who has done hard physical manual labour amongst all sorts of people for most of my working life the bullshite doesn’t wash. To be fair although I’m amused by Prides Purge and subscribe to it via email a lot of the stuff on here about the Tories doesn’t wash either, and the same thing applies to the Labour party and the Lib Dems.
I’m too old to be told what to think.
I thought I knew what I was voting for every time when I placed my X against the name of the Labour candidate at election time as a matter of course, but I’m sure that you would agree that since the Labour party morphed into Tories as New Labour and went to war in Iraq, illegally as many of us believe, then not many of us at the time really knew what we were voting for.
I know that I didn’t cast my vote in order to be labelled as bigoted by Brown either, but when he insulted Gillian Duffy, who appeared to share many of my concerns, I knew that there was no one to represent the likes of me, I don’t matter, my vote isn’t wanted and my voice is unheard by the party that I made my regular weekly contributions to as a working class trade union member.
You may not believe this, but I don’t support ‘an end to immigration’.
I most definitely support the idea of very strictly controlled immigration not because I have the St George’s flag tattooed on my neck and watch Jeremy Kyle on tv (neither applies) but because the concept of unrestricted mass immigration has now become unsustainable for this country, and future resource driven population shifts do not bode well for us so we need to take action to get a fair workable system in place beforehand.
As for the homophobia slur, it’s true that as kids in the 50s and 60s most of us were wary and suspicious of anyone that our parents whispered about, but with age comes understanding and tolerance so quite frankly I have no real concerns one way or the other.
I really don’t care what people of any persuasion do about their private intimacies as long as they are reasonably happy, non violent or predatory and they don’t do it in the street.
I take great umbrage when those who know nothing about me feel that they can casually label me as a homophobic bigoted racist simply for expressing concern about lowering living standards brought about by exploited for profit lower than minimum wage labour (many of these people are paid via banks in Eastern Europe to circumvent our employment laws) from Europe and the rest of the world. (or from here as it happens)
I have three grown up sons, the youngest in his mid 20s and unqualified at anything much has no chance whatsoever of finding employment or decent living accommodation as a direct result of the recent influx of Eastern European unskilled labour.
Many of my neighbours are now having to keep their sons and daughters at school, college or university with all the cost that this implies, because of the lack of job prospects even for graduates. Most of these neighbours parents were originally from the Punjab, and even they are saying the same sort of things that I’m trying to say which really ought to tell you something that you would do well to heed.
You have every right to ask me if I really know what I have voted for Guy Fawkes, and I’m sure that you will be very familiar with the metaphor about whereabouts on the camping field somebody would rather have had Lyndon Johnson when he wanted to piddle.
Well, I’d rather be aiming my stream toward the outside of the the tent from the inside too, so that I may one day be in a position to influence the thought process in some small way.
At least I’d stand a chance of voting for someone who has taken some notice of what I and many other ex Labour and ex Tory supporters think and worry about.
I’ll tell you what I haven’t and will no longer vote for.
I haven’t voted to be completely disenfranchised and betrayed, for my voice to be unheard or my concerns to be dismissed as irrelevant.
I haven’t voted to watch idly while those who despise everything about us conspire to harm or to injure us.
I haven’t voted to allow more of their ideological brethren to slip unnoticed and unchecked past our borders, or worse still, to grow up here as our fellow citizens enjoying the benefits of a free society and yet still to despise us and to want to harm us.
I haven’t voted for the real racists either, those who tend to congregate in rented side rooms of urban pubs and who wander about in gangs waving flags, shouting the odds and terrifying women and kids of Asian descent, including those of my friends and neighbours.
I haven’t voted and never would vote to send anybody ‘back’, wherever ‘back’ might be, Birmingham or Slough perhaps?
I haven’t voted to allow the brightest of our children and grandchildren to fall by the wayside in poor state schools whilst those who are supposed to represent those like me, but who vote against better educational choices, find brass faced ways to send their own offspring to fee paying schools at our expense a la Dianne Abbot.
I haven’t voted to see more of our finest young people sent to wage illogical unwinnable wars against people who have done nothing to me, on false pretences at the behest of a foreign power with ambitions of Empire but the foreign policy of an imbecilic petulant child.
Again, you may doubt my sincerity, but I believe in social justice for all, but this social justice has to include me and those who are like me.
Apologies for taking this blog off topic and for writing an essay, please delete it if you wish Tom Pride, but I hope that my ramblings may have provided at least some honest and genuine illumination about what ordinary people like me think about the recent political landscape.
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Bananas are immigrants. They come over here, taking jobs away from honest, hard-working British fruits like quinces and damsons. And they’re after our fruit benefits. I’m not sure how they’re taking away jobs AND trying to get benefits, but they definitely are.
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Bananas and other assorted fruit which manage to find legitimate employment here when there are over 2.5 million unemployed domestic fruits festering away on JSA know all about working tax credit and generous child benefit payments which can easily be transferred back across the water to their banana republics
I know that this will be difficult for you to believe, but these bananas are even allowed to claim the aforementioned fruit benefits for their spouses and offspring who may never have set foot in this country or who may not even exist, so don’t worry too much about them, they will all ripen nicely.
Our domestic quince and damson fruitcakes and accompanying clowns who do manage to scrape a living pay shedloads of good money to translate the information and claim forms into bananaese to make things easier for them to claim and to save them having to learn to speak quince or even damsonian.
If they did bother to learn to speak quince the domestic fruit would of course be expected to pay for this too, so one can only suppose that this vast multitude of fruit salad are doing the quince and damsons in distress a massive favour by coming here in the first place and continuing to live as though they hadn’t, which is widely reported to somehow enrich the quinced almost to death damsonians, although to be honest I can’t see much evidence of enrichment myself unless they meant the enrichment of exploitative gang masters or employment agency bloodsuckers.
The top bananas who do master the intricacies of our fruity tongue become self styled community leaders so that they can exploit their own fruit as much as possible, decide for them how they will vote and even helpfully complete the postal ballot papers for these ghetto dwelling bananas, in some cases as evidenced in parts of Birmingham, even before they have actually turned up here.
Any chance of integration with the aforementioned hard working but long suffering domestic varieties of fruit are therefore severely curtailed because all interaction has to be done via the top banana for, ahem, a small consideration or a home improvement grant, courtesy of you know who.
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