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(satire – possibly)
Pupils in England should spend more hours at school each day and have shorter holidays in order to emulate the higher levels of school suicides in East Asian countries, the Education Secretary Michael Gove has argued.
In the most successful East Asian education systems, “school days are longer, school holidays are shorter and so are pupils’ life expectancy”, Mr Gove told an education conference.
He added that current school terms were designed for an “out-of-date cheerful, low-stress agricultural economy” as opposed to the “spiritless, despairing, miserable Tory economy” we have at present.
However, the headteachers’ union ASCL attacked Mr Gove’s proposals, saying quality of learning was more important than the number of pupils forced into taking their own lives by endless, pointless hours spent rote learning Mr Gove’s soul-destroying new syllabus in the classroom.
A spokesperson for the Education Secretary said the resulting increase in pupil deaths created by the new proposals would have the added advantage of reducing high pupil to teacher ratios and freeing up more spaces in overcrowded classrooms.
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Related articles by Tom Pride:
Minister defends parents’ right to smack Michael Gove
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Jamie Oliver accuses Gove of being too starchy, tasteless and unhealthy for children
Michael Gove to scrap education in exams shakeup
BBFC – Michael Gove ‘too scary’ for under-12s
Tough exams and six of the best from a well-oiled cane are keys to success says Michael Gove
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Pride's Purge 
Its clear that Michael Gove is in fact the “childcatcher” of Ian Fleming’s Chitty Chitty bang bang, who takes the nasty little children away and locks them all in a dungeon to write down the British Heraldic history from 1066 to the present day, by rote, with every significant birth, war and subsequent death untill i their arms ache, whilst their parents work a 15 hour shift to earn enough money to pay for their rent and the private health, energy, transport and education bills.
Something tells me, Michael Gove doesn’t like children?
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The children then leave their seat of learning and find their jobs have gone to the Asians.
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Pingback: Gove - UK to emulate Asian success with increas...
What jobs?
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Pingback: Gove – UK to emulate Asian success with increased school suicides and shorter pupil lifespans | nearlydead
I am so glad I already have a FOI request in, asking for clarification of his qualifications and experience in respect of his current post. I was worried about this man’s competence to do his job before this! My son has learning difficulties and struggles with school as it is, if this comes to fruition I fear he may be one of these self harm statistics in the future.
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All I know is our call centre contract went to India and our Steelworks is now owned by a south east asian country.
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Small businesses to close during shorter school holidays as owners struggle to grant full holiday allocation to staff, including all the bonkers extra bank holidays. Small villages empty as parents all crowd their holidays into same 2 weeks. Holiday firms have bonanza as they can now charge 10 times as much as usual for peak holiday times. Gove come and work for us and take on Shirley who has teacher husband and 2 kids at school and wants same 2 weeks for their yearly cruise every year, even trying to put in application 2 years ahead to piss off the other staff who all want those 2 weeks also
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Having worked with children, i noticed that before they broke up for the summer holidays. They would be very tightly wound up. In fact they would go completely bonkers. By the time they returned to school in September, they were calm, refreshed and ready to learn.
Whats the point of them being in school for a longer period, if they’re not learning any more than if they were there for a shorter period.
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I’ve not seen this in the UK press because it is too wrapped up in all things America, and Boston in particular but it appears the current coalition government are considering increasing the number of hours each day as a means of reducing the deficit. The increase in hours will depend upon which social class you are deemed by the authorities to belong to. In effect 99% of the population will have their ordinary ‘working day’ increased to 36 hours. The top 1% are having their ordinary ‘working day’ reduced to 15 minutes ( for reading mail). This would tie in neatly with Gove’s suggestion and of course increase the need for child minders, thereby reducing the unemployment statistics and obviously, improving the economy.
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If children are in school for longer, does that mean teachers will get paid more? After all, the pay they receive during the holiday periods are deferred from the times they are ‘in school’ working (as opposed to the innumerable hours they spend ‘at home’ working).
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America/Boston is not the reason the English press are quiet. Protests at IDS’s house, Thatchers funeral proves this.
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It will be cheaper for people to hire private tutors for their kids before long. The rich would pack theirs off to boarding school though probably, after all they have to make all the social connections with wealthy foreigners.
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The government wants to emulate more than the East Asian school models I think that they are going for modelling us on an East Asian economy.
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I’m all for keeping children in school for longer if the aim is to improve the quality of their education, rather than training them to compete in the global economy. Business is irrelevant, the economy is irrelevant.
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Gove is a pseudo-intellectual buffoon, appointed to a senior cabinet position as some kind of sick joke on the world.
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Almost as hair-brained as Jeremy Twunt’s latest brain fart. The values are not in place, the respect is not there, The ‘culture’ is sadly lacking. Complacency has set-in long ago. It works in Korea, but ask a South Korean kid if they are scared of Kim Jong Un attacking and they will answer no, because it can’t possibly get any worse than a life where they’re up for school at 6:30am and not back from the hagwon until gone 10pm. They would welcome the holiday.
Quality not quantity is the answer for our kids.
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Thatcher is infamously said to have ordered civil servants to read Adam Smith’s, The Wealth of Nations. I suspect Gove orders the people in his department to read Hard Times, by Charles Dickens.
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