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(satire – possibly)

Pupils in England should spend more hours at school each day and have shorter holidays in order to emulate the higher levels of school suicides in East Asian countries, the Education Secretary Michael Gove has argued.

In the most successful East Asian education systems, “school days are longer, school holidays are shorter and so are pupils’ life expectancy”, Mr Gove told an education conference.

He added that current school terms were designed for an “out-of-date cheerful, low-stress agricultural economy” as opposed to the “spiritless, despairing, miserable Tory economy” we have at present.

However, the headteachers’ union ASCL attacked Mr Gove’s proposals, saying quality of learning was more important than the number of pupils forced into taking their own lives by endless, pointless hours spent rote learning Mr Gove’s soul-destroying new syllabus in the classroom.

A spokesperson for the Education Secretary said the resulting increase in pupil deaths created by the new proposals would have the added advantage of reducing high pupil to teacher ratios and freeing up more spaces in overcrowded classrooms.

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Act Of Gove: an event beyond human control – often of a destructive nature – for which there is no legal redress

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