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(satire – sort of)

ATOS – the private contractor paid by the government to carry out work capability assessments of disabled people – has declared George Osborne is unable to carry out his duties as chancellor due to “severe disabling conditions such as not being able to count”.

Mr Osborne recently defended parking his car in a disabled parking bay, explaining he is so severely handicapped by his inability to function as Chancellor of the Exchequer that he should himself be parked on disability benefits somewhere far away from the nation’s economy where he can’t do it any more harm.

Some medical experts however, have disputed the results of the assessment. One influential doctor with long experience of assessing disabilities said:

Osborne’s not unfit for work. He’s just a git.

However, a spokesperson for ATOS denied accusations that they had failed to assess the chancellor adequately:

During the assessment, Mr Osborne was asked to touch his elbow with his finger. However, as soon as we discovered he was unable to find his elbow and kept touching his arse instead, we realised the chancellor is in a fact not a git, but just an incurably useless twat.


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