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(satire – probably)

Iain Duncan Smith, the Work and Pensions Secretary, has claimed he would be able to survive on as little as 53 pounds of human flesh, 12 pints of blood and a couple of still-beating hearts torn out of the living bodies of unemployed single mothers per week – after housing costs.

The senior Tory was put on the spot after he was asked in an interview on BBC radio if suspicions that he was an evil flesh-eating zombie vomited out from the dark depths of Hell were true.

In reply, the 58 year-old Work and Pensions Secretary defended his predilection for eating human flesh by saying there was an urgent need to reduce the rising costs of the welfare budget by making sure as many unemployed people were eaten as possible.

Mr Duncan-Smith’s revelation that he is a flesh-eating zombie comes just days after another cabinet minister, the Education Secretary Michael Gove complained that “Marxist teachers” were “hell-bent” on thwarting his plans to eat as many children’s brains as possible.


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UK pulls out of 2016 Paralympics after ATOS declares no disabled in UK

Safety concerns over lack of qualified Poundland shelf-stackers at nuclear reactor sites

ATOS declare Richard III fit for work

Government ministers announce plan to deter immigrants to UK by making it shit

ATOS to reduce ‘fit for work’ test to one question: “Are you alive?”


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