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(satire – sort of)

In the most radical clampdown on the work-shy yet, Iain Duncan Smith will announce that unemployed babies will be found compulsory 30 hour-a-week work placements and if they fail to turn up for job interviews their parents will lose their child benefits for at least three months.

The Welfare Secretary will announce the move as part of a groundbreaking package of measures aimed at reforming the benefit culture by ensuring unemployed 0-3 year-olds do not receive benefits without having first worked for them.

In one of the most controversial measures, the Government will bring in compulsory work placements for 6 -18 month-olds, whereby unemployed babies who are judged to be failing in their efforts to find work will be given an “extra push”.

There will, however, be harsh sanctions for those infants who refuse to co-operate.

Those babies forced to take up Work Activity Placements will be expected to spend 30 hours a week for four weeks at a time in a local business or project benefiting the community.

If they do not attend or fail to complete the placement a “significant” financial sanction will be imposed, such as withholding their rattles for at least 3 months, or cutting back on the amount of their mother’s breast milk they are allowed to consume.

One government source close to the plans said:

We know there are still some newborn babies out there who need an extra push to get them into the mindset of being in the working environment.

At the moment, most babies are unappealing prospects for employers looking to fill vacancies, especially as many of them tend to dribble a lot and pooh themselves every couple of hours.

The goal is to break the habit of worklessness among nursing children.

Britain has one of the highest rates of infant worklessness in Europe, with 1.9 million children living in homes where not one member of the family under 3 years old has a job.


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