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(satire – probably)

In a tough speech on immigration, the prime minister David Cameron has pledged to clamp down on eastern European weather conditions coming to the UK, saying under the previous Labour administration Britain had become a ‘soft touch’ for cold weather.

Mr Cameron firmly placed the blame for the unseasonal snow and bitter spring conditions now being experienced across Britain on Labour’s failure to control immigration of freezing weather especially from colder places like Poland and the Baltic states. 

The prime minister said that from now on, continental atmospheric conditions will have to prove they have a “reasonable prospect” of being typically British grey and drizzly but no colder than “a bit nippy” if they would like to settle in the UK for more than six months.

Labour warned against overblown rhetoric and said there were already rules in place to deal with abuses of weather by continental polar air masses to prevent British brass monkeys being deprived of essentials such as access to affordable housing, employment opportunities and their testicles.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Tories promise tough new laws to deport Justin Bieber

Immigration bombshell: Cameron’s (very) secret deal to allow a flood of cheap labour from India

UKIP candidate – UK dinners flooded by criminal gangs of eastern European horses

Government ministers announce plan to deter immigrants to UK by making it shit

See sample of new negative ads about UK for Romania and Bulgaria

Oops! Daily Mail gets British immigration test wrong

Daily Mail – Outrage As Number Of UK Immigrants On Podiums Hits Record Levels!

UKIP chairman – every UK city should have 1 or 2 ‘holding’ camps for immigrants

UKIP and a little matter of bestiality and necrophilia …..

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