(satire – probably)
In a tough speech on immigration, the prime minister David Cameron has pledged to clamp down on eastern European weather conditions coming to the UK, saying under the previous Labour administration Britain had become a ‘soft touch’ for cold weather.
Mr Cameron firmly placed the blame for the unseasonal snow and bitter spring conditions now being experienced across Britain on Labour’s failure to control immigration of freezing weather especially from colder places like Poland and the Baltic states.
The prime minister said that from now on, continental atmospheric conditions will have to prove they have a “reasonable prospect” of being typically British grey and drizzly but no colder than “a bit nippy” if they would like to settle in the UK for more than six months.
Labour warned against overblown rhetoric and said there were already rules in place to deal with abuses of weather by continental polar air masses to prevent British brass monkeys being deprived of essentials such as access to affordable housing, employment opportunities and their testicles.
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