•  Met Office issues warning as government inadequacy falls well below zero
•  Widespread deep depressions expected as spirits reach record new lows
•  Gloomy prognosis after heavy falls of living standards forecast

Heavy downfalls of woe are expected across much of Britain as deep drifts of government ineptitude cause massive falls of optimism, prompting spells of cold sweat around the nation.

Latest forecasts from the Met office suggest peace of mind will start falling from 5pm on Saturday this year until 2015, with the heaviest dumps between 2013 and 2014.

Met Office forecaster Stephen Sandwell said gloominess could soon reach new lows as levels of tolerance plummet four or five degrees lower than average for similar periods of time under a Tory government:

There is a band of pain moving eastwards across the country caused by unusually high levels of ministerial ineffectiveness and this could rapidly turn into dangerous downfalls of despondency and drifts of despair.

Experts say the north of England, together with Wales will be the worst affected by the harsh economic climate but Scotland could expect less severe conditions as they are more sheltered from the cold Tory wind of indifference which has taken hold in England.

In response to the gloomy predictions, a government spokesperson on holiday in the Caribbean advised pensioners to take precautions against the cold weather:

If it’s really snowing that much in the UK, it’s very important that pensioners make sure they get out and do a spot of snowboarding to warm themselves up. It’s really great fun.


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