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Leveson deal is ‘threat to human brains’, says human rights watchdog

Publishers of the Mail, the Sun, The Telegraph and the Express have warned about the ‘real possibility’ of a zombie apocalypse coming to the UK after MPs voted to create a Royal Charter to regulate the press yesterday.  

In a statement, a spokesperson for Associated Newspapers, News International, the Telegraph Media Group and the Express’s publishers, Northern & Shell, said they would be taking “high-level legal advice” before deciding if they could allow hordes of shuffling brain-eating undead corpses to be unleashed on an unsuspecting public by agreeing to join the new watchdog.

The deal, they said, raised several deeply contentious legal issues such as whether the creation of an independent newspaper regulator will cause significant sections of the sky to fall down on unsuspecting press barons’ heads and left open important constitutional questions such as just how many of the four available horsemen of the apocalypse will be released as a result of the legislation.

The press spokesperson said:

This is a bleak moment for the UK’s international reputation where the historic freedom not to have your brain eaten by zombies is cherished as a fundamental principle and right.

However, legal experts say that the newspaper watchdog is not a threat to press freedom because the new law governing its creation will not specifically change the fact that most readers of the Sun, the Mail and the Express don’t have much in the way of brains to be eaten anyway.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Amazing hypocrisy! Sun, Telegraph and Mail use EU Human Rights Convention to boycott press regulations

Leveson deal after all-night ‘session’ ends with Cameron lying under the table ‘as pissed as a fart’

The Sun, The Telegraph and The Mail – we’re above UK laws so we’ll ignore them

Just 4 billionaire tax exiles – friends of Cameron – will benefit from weak press regulation

Remember this? Murdoch hack drove Denholm Elliot’s daughter to suicide

Oops! Daily Mail gets British immigration test wrong

How Murdoch hack Isabel Oakeshott cold-bloodedly sold out her friend for money

Met Office takes apart Daily Mail climate-change denier and Cameron friend James Delingpole

Daily Mail uses an actress for another story to demonise the working class

Oops! The Daily Mail accidentally supports a fascist party. Again.

Daily Mail ‘fixer’ David Rose defends paedophilia accused and attacks child abuse victims. Again.

Daily Mail Apologises To Its Readers After Admitting Publishing Something True

The Sun, The Mail et al – sorry, did we say 120,000 problem families? We meant 16.

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