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(satire – probably)

Labour and the Liberal Democrats are claiming victory on an agreement for a royal charter of press regulation after an all-night drinking session in which Prime Minister David Cameron was said to have told Nick Clegg he “f***ing loves him” before slipping under the table and falling asleep in a pool of his own vomit.

Mr Cameron – who aides described as being ‘pissed as a fart’ during the marathon session  – was said to have been able to down only five vodka and tonics and six lager tops before being forced by Labour leader Ed Miliband and Mr Clegg to say out loud that he was a “bit of a girl’s blouse” when it comes to drinking.

However, a spokesperson for Mr Miliband said he was not surprised by the Prime Minister’s eventual capitulation on press regulation:

These Bullingdon boys think they can put it away with the best of them but they’re really just a bunch of lightweights. Anything stronger than a Pimms and they’re as bollocked as a shithouse rat.

Mind you I was well surprised by Cleggy. He kept on coming back for more like a randy dog on speed.

A spokesperson for Mr Cameron said the reason why the Prime Minister has yet to comment on his failure to beat Labour leader Ed Miliband and Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg in the drinking contest is because he’s spent most of this morning “speaking to God on the big white telephone”.


Related articles by Tom Pride:

The Sun, The Telegraph and The Mail – we’re above UK laws so we’ll ignore them

Just 4 billionaire tax exiles – friends of Cameron – will benefit from weak press regulation

Remember this? Murdoch hack drove Denholm Elliot’s daughter to suicide

How Lord McAlpine is exploiting the same libel laws Savile used to cover up his crimes

Are McAlpine’s lawyers breaking the solicitors’ code of practice?

Oops! Daily Mail gets British immigration test wrong

How Murdoch hack Isabel Oakeshott cold-bloodedly sold out her friend for money

Justice? McAlpine gets hundreds of thousands in compensation while child victims get next to nothing

Met Office takes apart Daily Mail climate-change denier and Cameron friend James Delingpole

Daily Mail uses an actress for another story to demonise the working class

Oops! The Daily Mail accidentally supports a fascist party. Again.

Daily Mail ‘fixer’ David Rose defends paedophilia accused and attacks child abuse victims. Again.

Daily Mail Apologises To Its Readers After Admitting Publishing Something True

The Sun, The Mail et al – sorry, did we say 120,000 problem families? We meant 16.


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