(satire – probably)
Labour and the Liberal Democrats are claiming victory on an agreement for a royal charter of press regulation after an all-night drinking session in which Prime Minister David Cameron was said to have told Nick Clegg he “f***ing loves him” before slipping under the table and falling asleep in a pool of his own vomit.
Mr Cameron – who aides described as being ‘pissed as a fart’ during the marathon session – was said to have been able to down only five vodka and tonics and six lager tops before being forced by Labour leader Ed Miliband and Mr Clegg to say out loud that he was a “bit of a girl’s blouse” when it comes to drinking.
However, a spokesperson for Mr Miliband said he was not surprised by the Prime Minister’s eventual capitulation on press regulation:
These Bullingdon boys think they can put it away with the best of them but they’re really just a bunch of lightweights. Anything stronger than a Pimms and they’re as bollocked as a shithouse rat.
Mind you I was well surprised by Cleggy. He kept on coming back for more like a randy dog on speed.
A spokesperson for Mr Cameron said the reason why the Prime Minister has yet to comment on his failure to beat Labour leader Ed Miliband and Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg in the drinking contest is because he’s spent most of this morning “speaking to God on the big white telephone”.
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