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New Opposition Tactics Aim To Take Fight Straight To Tories’ Faces

Former Labour MP and army major Eric Joyce has unveiled the opposition’s latest strategy for fighting the Tory Party.

The new strategy was announced  in a House of Commons bar known as the Sports and Social Club Bar on Thursday evening and continued in a police station in Belgravia.

A Labour party spokesperson explained the reasoning behind the new strategy:

It is noticeable how we as the opposition have completely and utterly failed to land any substantial blows on the government, despite the open goals they have presented us with, such as unpopular policies like NHS privatisation and the Bedroom Tax. That’s why we’ve decided to change our tactics and started nutting their MPs instead.

A spokesperson for the Conservative Party admitted the success of the new strategy had indeed taken them by surprise:

Obviously with all the mess we’ve been making of things from the economy to the NHS, we’ve been expecting the opposition to land a few blows on us, but we have to admit we weren’t quite expecting a Glaswegian kiss from a drunken MP.

However, a spokesperson for the Labour leader, Ed Miliband, revealed evidence of a possible conflict among the party’s leadership caused by Mr Joyce’s success:

Ed Miliband is concerned about the fact that a former Labour MP can land more blows on the government by getting pissed as a fart in a bar and lashing out at them than we have managed to do in nearly 3 years of opposition. That’s why we’ve suspended him. Mr Joyce that is, not Mr Miliband.

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