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(satire – I think)

BRITAIN will use tough new laws to deport foreign pop stars who commit serious crimes against music, Theresa May revealed yesterday.

The Home Secretary warned that Britain’s entertainment industry was being made unbearable by immigration judges who are bowing to European human rights diktats and subverting democracy by refusing to forcibly deport rubbish singers like Justin Bieber.

The move comes after widespread outrage at the ease at which monstrous entertainers like Bieber – who is accused of murdering countless songs in cold blood – can come to Britain and perform here without fear of being deported.

Mrs May said:

The European ­Convention on Human Rights is clear. There is a right to a celebrity life for even the crappest of pop stars who come to this country, but that right should be balanced with the wider public interest of controlling abuse of music and protecting the British ­public from appalling Justin Bieber songs like ‘U Smile’ and ‘Boyfriend’.

Government figures show 17 ­foreign pop stars avoided deportation in 2011/12 after convincing judges of their right to be a crap celebrity in Britain. They include Paris Hilton – a US handbag addict who was allowed to perform in the UK despite being accused of being responsible for a proliferation of horrific words across the English language like ‘celebutante‘ and Britney Spears – a dangerous hijacker of taste who terrorism experts say has bombed in more venues than any other living celebrity.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Gordon Brown To Blame For Crisis in Depp, Paradis Relationship

Justin Bieber to sue UK Twitter users after 1,000s ask why the f*** is he always trending!

Scientists discover dim stars orbitting massive black hole at heart of BBC

Genealogists Confirm David Cameron Is A Bastard

Shock after moustachioed Village People ‘macho man’ Lech Walesa accused of homophobia

BBC paedophile denies allegations he was crap 70s comedian Jim Davidson

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