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(satire – probably)

The government has pushed through plans to allow secret court hearings – but has had to accept a series of amendments which provide for a sliding scale of painful chinese burns to be given to anyone outside the gang who might be tempted to tell.

MPs from all sides also expressed the need for provision of what is known by legal experts as wedgies – where the waistband of a person’s underwear is pulled up painfully between their butt cheeks while he or she is still wearing them – to be used only in cases of urgent national security and as a last resort.

Cabinet minister Ken Clarke said it was “common sense” for sensitive evidence to be admissible in trials but if intelligence sources were not to be exposed there would need to safeguards available to judges – such as not letting them join in any games, sending them to coventry and in extreme cases kicking them up the clacker.

The new legislation will allow UK courts to apply a sliding scale of wedgies at the discretion of judges and ministers in cases where national security is deemed to be at risk – including Mervins where the wedgie is performed by two people pulling the pants in opposite directions from either side of the unfortunate victim and the infamous Flying Dutchman – in which the victim is given a wedgie, lifted off the ground and spun around the playground by his underpants much to the amusement of the whole school.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Tories Pledge to Drop Human Rights Act And Stop Pretending They Give a Toss

If UKIP is so bloody libertarian – why has it said nothing against secret courts?

Angry police seek right to kettle themselves

Researchers discover prehistoric dinosaurs once thought extinct at heart of Tory Party

Cameron announces plan to eradicate world poverty by bombing it from the sky with unmanned drones

Satire like Porn? How 3UK are bringing Chinese-style political censorship of web to UK

Our government’s tried to suppress Twitter users for spreading malicious gossip before. In 1675!

Are McAlpine’s lawyers breaking the solicitors’ code of practice?

Government ministers announce plan to deter immigrants to UK by making it shit

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