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(satire – barely)

THE Tories have pledged they will abolish their unconvincing human rights act and start acting like the callous bunch of heartless bastards they really are if the Conservative Party wins the next general election, Justice Secretary Chris Grayling pledged yesterday.

He vowed the Act – which entails Conservative leaders and MPs desperately trying to convince voters that they wouldn’t sell their own grandmothers to a Taiwanese sweatshop if it meant they could make a few quid  – will be dropped and party members could all go back to only giving a toss about themselves if the Conservatives win a majority in 2015.

Mr Grayling said:

It’s becoming clear that we cannot go on with the present frustrating and unsatisfactory situation where we have to keep making out we give a shit about things. That’s why it is essential we dramatically curtail this ineffective act that nobody fell for anyway and go back to being the bunch of sleazy shitbags everyone always knew we were all along.

Meanwhile, speculation is mounting that Britain could pull out of being humane all together. The move, expected to be announced by Home Secretary Theresa May, would mean foreign courts could no longer meddle in the traditional British sense of not really giving a shit about anything just as long as it doesn’t affect me.

The proposals will be welcomed by Tory MPs frustrated by a series of controversial rulings by the Strasbourg- based European Court of Human Rights, that they have to at least try to pretend they care about anything other than their golfing handicap or the size of their offshore bank accounts.

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Our government’s tried to suppress Twitter users for spreading malicious gossip before. In 1675!

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Government ministers announce plan to deter immigrants to UK by making it shit

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