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(satire – probably)

The Tory Party is showing signs of a serious split in its ranks after senior front-bench slapheads Iain Duncan Smith and William Hague warned David Cameron he will need to forge ahead with more radical hair loss if he wants to counter the threat from fat, balding supporters of UKIP.

The warning came as a split in the parliamentary Conservative Party emerged between generally more radically shiny-pated Tory backbenchers who would prefer the cabinet to be balder and those in the Prime Minister’s immediate circle with more luxuriantly quiffed policies.

In recent months, Mr Cameron has been revealing more and more of a growing radical bald patch of intolerance on the top of his head – something he managed very successfully to comb over and conceal from the electorate before the last election.

However, in the light of the Conservative’s drubbing in the Eastleigh by-election, the more obviously shiny-headed chrome-domes in Mr Cameron’s cabinet have been urging the Prime Minister to go all out and be balder instead of trying to comb over and conceal his innate tendency to be a bit of a skinhead underneath his bushy and hirsute exterior.

As an example of the growing concern within the Conservative Party about Mr Cameron’s ability to appeal to more depilated parts of the electorate, a senior backbench Tory MP urged the Prime Minister to tackle the growing threat from UKIP by developing more of an obvious paunch, not clipping his nasal hair and wearing blazers with a Rotary Club badge on the pocket more often.