Tags
(It’s not satire – it’s bankers!)
Pay attention please because this is potentially the most important article I have ever written.
Mainly because if it works it could make me rich.
I’ve come up with a sure-fire way to help struggling Lloyds Banking Group – and other loss-making banks – cut their losses by MILLIONS. Yes! millions!!
It’s clever, it’s neat – simple even – but no-one in the banking industry seems to have thought of it.
OK. Here’s my idea. It’s a bit technical – especially if you’re a top banker because it means doing a few sums – but bear with me.
OK
Here we go.
Lloyds Banking Group have just announced losses of £570 million for 2012.
They’ve also announced that they’re going to be paying out £365 million in bonuses to their top executives for 2012.
Now. Pay attention because here’s the technical bit.
All Lloyds have to do – to drastically reduce their losses – is to not pay themselves any bonuses this year. Just for one year. That’s all. By doing that, they will reduce their losses by more than half (less a few million consultancy fee paid to me for the advice of course!)
Now. All we have to do is to contact the top brass of Lloyds to let them know how to go about it (and make sure they know who to pay the consultation fee to – me.)
You can help get the message through to Lloyds (and help me get rich) by sending this email message to:
responsible.business@lloydsbanking.com
Dear Lloyds Banking Group
Mr Thomas Pride has found a way to cut your 2012 £570 million loss by £365 million.
Simply don’t pay yourselves any bonuses this year!
This will reduce your losses to £205 million.
Because 570-365=205.
Yours,
A conscientious well-wisher
PS Mr Pride will be happy to accept a very reasonable fee of £5 million for his advice – which will still allow you to reduce your losses to a nice round £200 million
.
Now. Anyone know how you go about buying a Spanish villa? They’re very cheap these days I’ve heard.
.
Related articles:
It’s not the Left that believes in Magic Money Trees. It’s the Right.
Iceland gives bankers 9 months in prison – while in the UK we knight them
Barclays Pays Executive £3m to Clamp Down on High Pay
The Goldsmith’s Tale – (full version)
Where does money comes from? … the Bears explain
The market has a name: It is Goldman Sachs
Stephen Hester, Fred Goodwin, Bernie Madoff and the fraud at the heart of our banking system
COMPREHENSIVE REFORM OF THE CITY – Pay, Practice & Structure
.
Please feel free to comment – you don’t need to register and I’m extremely minimal with the moderating – so please go ahead.
.
By the way, if you click on any of these buttons below, you’ll be doing me a favour by sharing this article with other people. Thanks:
Pride's Purge 
Done. I expect a cut of your rewards for helping, Tom
BTW did that nice Mr Cameron say we mustn’t stop bankers giving themselves lots of lolly yesterday.
What jolly good timing.
LikeLike
@Tom in another universe…NATIONWIDE backed down after discriminating against HB claimants..Universal Job Match becomes mandatory on march 4th…and the scrutineer of Atos wca just happening to have close links with er..Atos,,,
so good of you to follow whats going on with us peasants..
LikeLike
A cut? They’ll only be paying me 5 million you know? Hardly enough to buy a villa, a yacht and a decent Porsche these days!
LikeLike
Always thought you were working for the other side..
LikeLike
thank you Tom, this one made me pathetically happy. Sarah N
LikeLike
One of your best, very good.
😉
Sent from my iPad
LikeLike
CAPITALIST LACKY RUNNING DOG…
LikeLike
Reblogged this on HUMAN RIGHTS & POLITICAL JOURNAL.
LikeLike
Pingback: IMPORTANT! How Lloyds can cut their losses by £200 million (and make me rich in the process) | Human Rights & Political Journal | Scoop.it
S – I’ll be pathetically happier when they hand over the 5 mill.
Bob – yes but soon to be an extremely rich capitalist lacky running dog.
LikeLike
Now now Tom, I know you’re not that naive.
A partisan & populist proposal would be ill received by the power mechanism responsible for the nations partly nationalised banks.
If bankers were to forfeit their bonuses, the knock on effect would decimate the businesses and services who rely on the spending power of the banking execs.
Spearmint Rhino and numerous night clubs would close, whilst countless hotel rooms and opera tickets would remain un sold.
Such a blatant Marxist proposition would never get past the parliamentary committee on nationalised banking lunches in any event.
I’m sorry Mr Pride,, you’ll have to work much harder for your fee than that.
without the trickle down effect of bankers bonuses, how will bankers be able to pay their consultants who advise them how best to hide that money?
Without a nod and a wink from ones political inside men, it would prove difficult to keep the state owned banks up there with the fleeter of foot, shall we say.
Surely you know that the only way to pay off the losses is with higher charges to retail customers, higher interest rates and a Trojan horse political propaganda campaign in collusion with UKIP and the right leaning Lib Dems to gain public ambivalence and resignation to the concept of Austerity for the masses.
If I were you, Tom, I’d look into the the creative ideas by Grant Shapps and other Tory entrepreneurs, who really know how to make a few quid.
Now, trot along and be a nice satirist.
You saw how the “big three parties” dealt with that leftie Bolshevic satirist in Eastleigh last night.
Socialists should be seen but not heard.
(satire, I think).
LikeLike
Drew – does that mean I won’t be getting my 5 mill then? Would it help if I dropped my price down to 3? And a half?
LikeLike
tom i thought you might donate to a charity (to avoid paying tax of course)
LikeLike
No no no a wealth creator
LikeLike
Tom, a major error in your calculation is the commission for your proposal would increase and not decrease the banks’ deficit.
Mathematically, it would correctly be:
570-365=205
205+5=210
Therefore the losses, after paying your remuneration would come down to 210 millions, not 200 millions, unlike you wrote.
Perhaps it would be a reason for the bankers to keep your bonus to a minimum too. They’re all well aware of this, I would think. And they just want to keep the fat bonuses to themselves.
But 🙂 the knock on effect resulting in closures of businesses like Spearmint Rhino and numerous other night clubs would not break the nation’s back, that’s for sure.
It could in fact apply to the UK Government too. Reduction in their salaries and cutting back on bureaucracy would see the country’s deficit reduced so dramatically it would no longer need to screw the sick and disabled. I do not want to be a new PM 😀
LikeLike
Martin Kroupa – aah, erm yes, Obviously I knew that of course. Just testing.
Besides – what’s 10 million or so between friends?
LikeLike
Simply Brilliant, maybe you could do the same and help hopeless George out too?!
LikeLike
Well I could. For a small(ish) fee of course.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on paul8ar and commented:
now do i get a cut for a re-blog?
LikeLike
I find this one very interesting and educating 😉 : https://tompride.wordpress.com/2013/01/31/its-not-the-left-that-believes-in-magic-money-trees-its-the-right/
LikeLike
Reblogged this on The Greater Fool.
LikeLike
Tom,
The objections to your proposals are covered in points 1-11 in the following article:
http://welfareuk.wordpress.com/2013/03/02/how-did-we-get-here/
LikeLike
so much for wealth creators – the banks need you Tom.
LikeLike
Pingback: Embarrassment for Cameron after Magic Money Tree found growing in Lloyds Bank | Pride's Purge
Pingback: 9 Barclays incompetent fatcats get £40m. The rest of us 1p on a pint. | Pride's Purge
Pingback: The real reason governments are so keen to control the internet – Bitcoin and Cyprus? | Pride's Purge
Pingback: Top bankers aren’t sorry for their reckless behaviour. They’re openly laughing at us. | Pride's Purge
Now Tom that’s far too simple a solution. Had you of suggested that:
They buy two oil wells. Sell three oil wells to their own publicly listed company, using unethically procured letters of credit from a sister bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four oil wells back, with a tax deduction for keeping five oil wells.Then the oil rights for six oil wells are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the oil back to the listed company with the proceeds from the sale deferred to ensure that a tax credit is achieved in the UK. Thus the taxpayer covers the deficit and the listed company can be raided to provide under the table bonuses to the bankers…. using this method you mess with the law, the tax payer and the shareholders and one can truly feel like a master of the universe. Genius!
LikeLike
Pingback: Drug addict ‘seeking help’ after admitting being a banker | Pride's Purge
Pingback: David Cameron launches inquiry into abuse of pure ‘methodism’ by top bankers | Pride's Purge
Pingback: The definition of IQ according to Einstein | Pride's Purge