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(satire – probably)

Nick Clegg has won the Oscar for best actor for his exactingly unbelievable portrayal of a man who can’t remember anything at all about anything in the science fiction fantasy ‘Total Lack of Recall’ at Sunday’s glitzy Liberal Democrat press conference.

Going into the night, the British Liberal Democrat leader was the late favourite to win Best Actor – pipping Daniel Day-Lewis to the post with what one critic described as a “barnstorming performance” in his role as a clueless nincompoop with delusions of grandeur who claims he can’t remember anything at all about his previous life as a fictional party leader pretending to be a middle-of-the-road nice guy willing to promise the Earth to anyone foolhardy enough to vote for him.

This is the second time Mr Clegg has been nominated – he was previously nominated in 2010 for his role as a double-dealing but bumbling Deputy Prime Minister, willing to lie and betray anyone who gets in his way in the gritty true-life story ‘My Left Foot In My Mouth’.

Best supporting actor went to Vince Cable for his portrayal of a traitorous three-breasted prostitute who betrays all his friends and principles for the sake of a seat in the cabinet as business secretary or something equally unimportant.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Zoologists – Vince Cable and Ed Balls ready to mate soon

How much did cuddly Vince Cable know about the hanging of innocent Nigerian playwright Ken Saro-Wiwa?

FSA – tests reveal Nick Clegg may contain up to 100% chicken

All Lib Dem MPs in England and Wales to be microchipped by 2015

Sheffield man left with nothing after falling victim to Westminster conmen

Nick Clegg announces £126m scheme to encourage employers to take on unemployed Lib Dem politicians after next election

Coalition split after Tory minister says UK ‘peppered’ with too many wind-powered Lib Dem MPs

Charade-Gate scandal – coalition conflict escalates as Clegg accuses Cameron of cheating at charades

Nick Clegg to Lib Dems – “Prepare for Oppositionment!”

Doctors – many LibDems suffering from Electile Dysfunction & fear of impotence.

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