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(satire – barely)

Vince Cable and Ed Balls start to display courtship behaviour, raising hopes of a successful mating

Two of the UK’s giant parties could be ready to mate within the next month, according to zoo experts. Both the the Liberal Democrat’s Alpha male, Vince Cable and Labour’s Ed Balls have started to show important changes in their behaviour, indicating their readiness to mate soon, zoology specialists at Westminster Zoo said.

Zoological experts are able to predict when both parties are ready to breed by a combination of behavioural observation and hormone testing, but to date no concrete hormonal changes have been seen in either party.

However, Vince Cable recently began doing handstands against trees, walls and rocks, scent-marking as high up as possible – known as a display of virility in Westminster. Meanwhile Ed Balls has started calling out to his potential partner – which is common during breeding season.

Experts at the zoo have employed a number of measures to synchronise the breeding cycles of the two parties, including controlled feeding, urine testing for hormone levels and enclosure swapping.

The parties were first introduced to each other in Westminster Zoo as far back as May 2010, but they did not end up fully mating.

Iain Valentine, director of the Royal Zoological Society of Westminster, said:

We’re delighted that both Vince Cable and Ed Balls have started to scent mark and call, both clear behavioural indicators of courtship and mating behaviour.

Although both parties are showing these changes in their behaviour, it is still early days yet and way too early to give any accurate prediction on timings. However, early indicators do suggest the breeding season will probably fall sometime this year.

In reality we could be as little as four weeks away, although equally the day when the two parties actually start to screw each other in earnest could still be some time off.


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Full-scale codger cull set to get government go-ahead

Peasants free to breed in peace as minister drops plans to shoot them

England’s human wildlife faces tragedy as worst moral drought in 30 years hits habitats

Severe conditions alert for UK as cold front of austerity paralyses the country


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