(satire – possibly)
Ukip’s candidate in the Eastleigh by-election has called for a temporary halt to immigration of all foreign quadrupeds wishing to move to the UK to prevent a wave of crime hitting Britain’s lasagnes.
The call came after it was discovered that well-organised criminal gangs of eastern European horses have been entering the UK’s supermarkets and infiltrating our pies.
Diane James, who was in the Hampshire constituency for a rally with the Ukip leader, Nigel Farage, said:
On 1 January 2014 the floodgates will open for Bulgarian and Romanian horses to flood into Britain’s lasagnes, meatballs and burgers.
But Britain’s not just a soft-touch for horses. All kinds of animals are coming over here -and not just to take over our dinners. One of the problems with the Olympics last year was the Metropolitan police having to deal with criminal gangs of Polish pigeons shitting on people’s heads in broad daylight.
She also said animals such as dogs and cats already resident in the UK who refused to get a job or assimilate was an issue for the country:
It’s a disgrace that so many animals – many of whom can barely speak English – are allowed to live in the UK without a job.
There’s a woman who lives in my street who has a French bulldog and a German Shepherd neither of which can speak a word of English or have ever worked.
That’s not to mention all the lazy Persian, Siamese and Russian Blue cats who expect to be waited on hand and foot while they just lie about the house doing nothing all day. It’s a disgrace.
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