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(satire)

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, was warned yesterday by several backbench MPs from his own party that he could tear the Conservative Party in two by going ahead with plans to allow samey sex marriage instead of the present situation where marriage is only allowed between people who are into more varied and kinky sex.

The warnings came as a majority of Tory MPs voted against plans to allow more boring, run-of-the-mill tame sex in marriage alongside the more traditional form of marriage where partners are expected to constantly dress up in black rubber batman suits and shackle each other to the bed with fluffy pink handcuffs in order to have sex.

Senior Tories are facing a rising tide of outrage on the Tory back benches and from activists who have warned the prime minister that lame sex was “anathema” to many Conservatives in the traditional heartlands of the party – where marriage is generally regarded as something which should exclusively be between a man, a woman, at least one riding whip and as many servants as you can afford – and was an issue that could split the party.

But Mr Cameron will be cheered by the heavyweight Tories who spoke out on his side of the argument yesterday, including Education Secretary Michael Gove who said he would be “totally in favour” of having more boring sex in his marriage instead of having to dress up as a schoolboy every Thursday night and receive “bottom marks”  from his wife for causing serious damage to the country’s education system.

However, in a question and answer session with reporters shortly after the Commons vote, Mr Cameron denied the issue was something which he could foresee dogging his leadership in the future:

Dogging is something I don’t think too much about. Admittedly I’ve never actually tried it, but if that’s what you’re into, I’m sure it’s very nice.

                                                                                 he said.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Church of England says no to women bishops, knights and rooks

Church of England accused of homophonaphobia

New Church of England rules – pawns can be promoted to bishops but not queens

Gove – free bibles to boost nutritional standards on school menus

Act Of Gove: an event beyond human control – often of a destructive nature – for which there is no legal redress

‘Militant testicularisation’ taking hold in British society, says Lady Warsi

Did you know the name Gideon is Hebrew for ‘Destroyer’. Really.

David Cameron is Jesus. Probably.

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