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(satire – probably)

The government is attempting to diffuse criticism it is being patronising to Scottish people in discussions over an independence referendum, by announcing it has decided to grant Scotland ‘free school’ status.

In a statement, Michael Moore – the Secretary of State for Scotland, Schools, and Other Assorted Unimportant Things – said:

This move shows the government is serious in its discussions over Scottish independence. Under these proposals, the Scottish Headmaster, Alex Salmond will be free to set his own syllabus for Scotland as well as decide on other important matters such as school trips, timetables and sports days without any interference at all from Westminster.

However, in reply to reports that Scotland’s First Minister, Mr Salmond has already insisted he should have complete control of Scotland’s budget, including tax raising powers, Mr Gibb said:

Mr Salmond is not Scotland’s First Minister – he’s a very naughty boy. And if he continues to be this disrespectful he can expect detention. Or a thousand lines. So he should pull his socks up and do as he’s told. At once.


Related articles by Tom Pride:

Alex Salmond Wins Release Of Dissident Pandas From Chinese Government

Toby Young – disabled children should be excluded from schools

Ed Miliband Accuses Alex Salmond of Scottish Nationalism

Tough exams and six of the best from a well-oiled cane are keys to success says Michael Gove

BBFC – Michael Gove ‘too scary’ for under-12s

More People Believe In Loch Ness Monster Than In Osborne’s Ability To Run Economy

Jamie Oliver accuses Gove of being too starchy, tasteless and unhealthy for children

Michael Gove to scrap education in exams shakeup

Gove – free bibles to boost nutritional standards on school menus

Act Of Gove: an event beyond human control – often of a destructive nature – for which there is no legal redress

Government Baffled By Surprise 10% Fall In University Applications After Tripling Of Fees


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