(satire – probably)
The government is attempting to diffuse criticism it is being patronising to Scottish people in discussions over an independence referendum, by announcing it has decided to grant Scotland ‘free school’ status.
In a statement, Michael Moore – the Secretary of State for Scotland, Schools, and Other Assorted Unimportant Things – said:
This move shows the government is serious in its discussions over Scottish independence. Under these proposals, the Scottish Headmaster, Alex Salmond will be free to set his own syllabus for Scotland as well as decide on other important matters such as school trips, timetables and sports days without any interference at all from Westminster.
However, in reply to reports that Scotland’s First Minister, Mr Salmond has already insisted he should have complete control of Scotland’s budget, including tax raising powers, Mr Gibb said:
Mr Salmond is not Scotland’s First Minister – he’s a very naughty boy. And if he continues to be this disrespectful he can expect detention. Or a thousand lines. So he should pull his socks up and do as he’s told. At once.
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