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(satire – barely)
Sources inside the Department of Work and Pensions have revealed the French-owned company ATOS – who undertake ‘work capability assessments’ to assess if disabled and sick people are fit enough to work – is planning to reduce the assessment questionnaire to just one yes or no question – ‘Are you alive?‘
A spokesperson for the DWP explained how the new test will work:
If the person replies “yes” to the question, then they will be put into the ‘work-related activity group’ and will be expected to find a job. If however the answer is “no” then they will be given support to help them find suitable employment – depending on their individual level of lifelessness and needs as a deceased person.
Medical experts however have criticised the new test, saying that oversimplifying the assessment criteria will mean the needs of genuinely deceased people will not be met and the changes will see hundreds of thousands of seriously dead people at risk of losing vital benefits.
One expert explained some of the difficulties the new test might pose:
No test is perfect but by reducing a complicated medical assessment to a simple yes or no question such as ‘Are you alive?’ means it will not be possible to take into account other possible answers such as ‘barely’ or ‘maybe’.
A government spokesperson defended the changes, claiming that the government was keen to make sure anyone claiming to be dead was genuinely unable to work:
If the person is clearly dead, then they can claim incapacity benefit but it’s possible a certain percentage of people who claim they are not alive may be capable of finding some kind of employment and we are keen to weed out any people who may be technically deceased but despite their condition are still eligible for work.
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You might think that’s just satire but please take time to read about the even more ridiculous changes being made in real life to the Work Capability Assessment test:
#esaSOS: YOUR HELP NEEDED URGENTLY!
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Super!
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Wouldn’t it be nice if one or two of those health assessors were murdered by psychotic patients they had just found ‘fit for work’. Shame only the patients are dying thus far.
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Priceless! But not too far from the truth. They’ll be re-opening the workhouses next.
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Being a DLA claimant who has seen money being cut i could do with a good laugh and my ribs are STILL hurting!!
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The bottom line is – they canna make a profit out of healthy people. You may ask, then, why do they want us sick rather than dead?
The answer to that is, the number of assets (we, the people) is far greater than their needs and the maintainence of said assets is costly.
So, basically, what they are doing is an asset-stripping exercise.
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This would be sad if it weren’t true!
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I’ve actually been there while noting that having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is rather like being dead, but without any of the advantages: “At least when you’re dead the stiffness passes off after a while. At least when you’re dead the lack of mobility doesn’t bother you. At least when you’re dead you don’t have to keep explaining your condition to people, half of whom don’t believe you.” Including “at least when your’re dead there no anxiety about brown envelopes coming through the letterbox and there’s a fair chance of ATOS not finding you fit for work.” Been there, won on appeal after six months of stress (just the ting fo CFS), but I don’t think I have the strength for another round.
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Dead people don’t ring up huge profits for Pharma-chem companies but sick ones do. So they actually want you only half dead – but capable of motion, and thus according to ATOS fit for work.
A win win situation for the government and their Pharma lobbyists. Now if only there was actually work to be had once declared fit for it …. Hmmm…
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What about falsely claiming to be dead,if we opt out of Europe we could bring back the death penalty for an unreasonable death claim. Doctors from a private practise would declare the claimant, dead, permanent vegitative state, or Duncan Smith. Failures would be put on a ‘pathway’,or conveyor belt to ze crematorium!
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Hard-working living people will be disgusted to hear how in broken Bitain the dead laze around in complete idleness. Ima Troll said ” I’m shocked. In my native Haiti the dead work 16 hours a day, and 10 hours a night. Nail them upside down to a crucifix and beat them senseless, and they soon learn that skiving is not an option.”
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we the dis-abled are surplus to requirements george osbourne and his conservative cronies have decided that we are a burden to this society and we need to be dealt with accordingly -that means that they have to portray us as scroungers and get the majority of decent honest people who do care to brainwash them to think we are pulling the wool over there eyes WHY DON’T THEY JUST GAS US !!!!!!!
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Simply Superb Tom & Many Thanks x
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I’m waiting to see which is going to be my locally DWP “approved cliff” to throw myself over, having failed to meet the new “fit for life” criteria. Of course, I will have to apply for assistance with travel to get there. Or perhaps a virtual wheelchair can be supplied as in recent ATOS guidelines.
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perhaps the dead will have put on their gravestone as spike miligan did ‘I told you I was ill’. really funny piece Tom.
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Brilliant – you’ve summed up the whole nightmarish, cruel farce. I’m sure Esther McVey will be informing the deceased that there are plenty of fulfilling job opportunities as dissection subjects, or artists’ life-drawing, I mean death-drawing, models.
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Can I get hold of some of my future corpse’s earnings now on a sort of “released equity” scheme? I could really use it, But I suppose if that helps keep body and soul together a bit longer, it’s not going to look good on the accounts ledgers. And I might just be lost at sea. I suppose they’ll want me to take out “missing corpse” insurance to cover that.
Can’t afford to live, can’t afford to die…
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I doubt that they will reopen the workhouses.
They’re too cheap to spend the money that would be needed.
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next headline “Atos get’s rid of deadbeats!”
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just going into the re-assessment to go from IB to ESA … thanks for the laugh, but it is nearly the truth … the question “are you alive”!
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Sadly I think you may have misunderstood. Claimants fit enough to answer “yes” to the question will be expected to look for work, as there is plenty of suitable employment in the field of answering one question with the word “yes”. Those who answer “no” will be found fit for work on account of having also succeeded in answering the question. Those who do not answer at all on account of being dead will be placed on JSA because of their failure to fill out the paperwork correctly and in a timely manner, and will promptly be sanctioned for their failure to sign on. If it’s only the living you are going to find fit for work then there is not yet a career in politics for you, I’m afraid. 😉
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think you will find the nazi`s got there first, sure if IDS could get away with he would have tried, liverpool pathway is the next best thing and sure he will changed things so the sick and the unemployed get put on that as soon as possible.
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And how many times to you have to be able to blink to constitute a “yes”?
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Being a certified ‘Loony’ , I am shocked to hear that this government is stopping benefits for those with bipolar disorder, claiming if one side is unable to work then the other side could.
Is it true that those having ECT ( Electroconvulsive Therapy ), will have to work by powering their local street lights ?.
Also, I’ve also heard that I may have to inform this Government, in advance, of my really bad days to qualify for any benefit ?.
Back to this frighting reality, It’s a clever idea by this Government, that just having a mental health problem only gets you 6 out of the 15 points you need. Just enough to put many over the ‘edge’.
I can’t believe that the government is now paying for a TV advert to get people to treat us having a mental illness, better. – Pot and Kettle spring to mind.
I am currently awaiting my ATOS culling.
Remember, You’re only paranoid if you ‘think’ everyone is against you.
Signing off for now –
‘looney’ of the midlands
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I would quite welcome death as the constant stress of justifying my existence is very tiring. Fit for work? I don’t know if I’m even capable of taking the ATOS work capability test. I would not wish ill health upon anyone but if those who are making these decisions had to live a week in my, or any other disabled persons shoes they may think differently. I do think I could find the strength to push the button to pump gas into the commons chamber at Westminster.
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I know exactly how you feel Derek .
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That wouldn’t work either as, if you were dead you couldn’t respond to the letter for the appointment and you would be declared fit as you had not attended the Medical!
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i wish now i hadn’t of held my fart in at my assement, i shouldn’ve just shit there and then. as it is i’m deaf and would’ve have heard myself fart. probably still would’ve got 0 points
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i hereby launch the new zombie party. as i know to atos staff a little moaning and shuffling are as easy to dismiss as medical evidence provided at great expense by proper doctors. atos should move into life insurance and do it for benefit claimants cheaper because we are all so fit. they have a target to work to so they are not paid to test us they are employed by our pm to fail us. mainly so he can get away with doing terrible things and still remain a spineless coward. there is a special place in hell for men like that and it starts the moment the people see him for what he is. i cant imagine a sane man voting for him. i cant actually imagine a sane man removing there foot from his wind pipe
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pure mental. not many of us left lol. dosent it just brighten your day when them testers lead you in questions and put words in your mouth and give you 0 points. they know exactly what they are doing. what they are told to by the people paying them. i won my appeal though after waiting 2 years worrying if i would be homeless. thaught about suiside many times but decided if it ever comes to it im going to london first
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I already told my nephew to put that on my gravestone, and have put it in writing.
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liverpool pathway here we come.
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That’s so typical french lol. They wouldn’t get an answer out of my disabled son as he only talks about his obsession with car washes
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Anyone laughing at the thought of the Work Houses being reopened can’t have been paying attention to what is being done in Britain. Firstly we have seen the launch of a scheme to rob all young people of access to Housing Benefit regardless of how they have ended up needing to apply for it. This will mean that the young unemployed will automatically end up homeless.
However this “problem” will be cured by eventually “offering” them accommodation combined with employment/training at centers set up to combine the delivery of this service.You may not want to call them Work Houses but that in essence is what they will be.Anyone doubting this will happen must offer their own solution to the deliberate de-housing of hundreds of thousands of young people such as those who leave council care every year.And just remember how happy our government was to close down REMPLOY and how little the public minded them doing so!
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Gassing the sick,far too expensive a scheme to get Cabinet backing.Besides the Treasury wouldn’t go for it.Far simpler to cut their money and crush them with stress so that they drop dead more speedily.
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