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(satire – possibly)

Tory grandee Ken Clarke is joining forces with Labour peer Lord Mandelson in a historic cross-party bid to turn back a rising tide of Eurovision scepticism amid widespread public disillusionment regarding Britain’s future participation in European efforts to ensure pop songs across the continent are as bland as possible with ridiculous lyrics sung by third-rate performers with big hair.

The two political heavyweights will share a platform calling for Britain to be at the heart of the European grand project to unify rubbish pop music and are determined to fight back against the clamour for Britain to disengage or withdraw entirely from what they see as a strategically and economically important coming-together of nations dancing around a stage singing cheesy songs while dressed in outrageously camp outfits.

The Clarke/Mandelson alliance comes as an influential group of MPs from the anti-Eurovision wing of the Tory Party is pushing the prime minister to take a more radical position on the Song Contest – including a demand that Britain will no longer be expected to put up with getting no points at all from some of our European allies even though our songs are no more abominable than anyone else’s.

However Ukip leader, Nigel Farage in a statement arguing for Britain’s complete withdrawal from Eurovision – said the UK was perfectly capable of creating enough dross of its own without having to import even more crap telly from Europe: 

You only have to look at The Only Way Is Essex and Girls Aloud to see Britain has a long, proud tradition of producing its own rubbish entertainment, without the need for Eurovision.

Besides, the song contest is deeply partisan, undemocratic and corrupt – something we in the UK are more than capable of being ourselves without any help or interference from other European countries.

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