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(it’s satire – I think)

Pawns will be allowed to be promoted to bishops when they get to the other side of the board, but not queens, according to new Church of England policy on one of the most contentious rules in the game of chess.

The historic decision was taken in mid-December by the House of Bishops and Knaves – the section of the General Synod which is responsible for setting church policy on the rules of card and board games – but looks set to reopen one of the church’s most bitter internal debates on the rules of indoor games like chess, snap and buckaroo.

The move comes just weeks after clergy in the General Synod comfortably backed other changes in the rules of chess to allow bishops and other pieces to be more curvy but lay members controversially voted against allowing baps on bishops and lady lumps on knights.

While the synod said they would not issue more guidance on popular board games before the final report, they indicated that having a little round bald head like a pawn was not necessarily a bar to becoming a bishop – although having a pair of love dumplings like a woman would be.

In a separate development, the Church of England has been accused of homophonaphobia after it issued a warning to the government that controversial proposals to allow homophonic weddings – marriage services which include words with the same pronunciation such as ‘prophet‘ (profit), ‘hymn’ (him) and ‘soul’ (sole) - could undermine its status, split the church and lead to the sky falling in on everyone’s heads.

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Did you know the name Gideon is Hebrew for ‘Destroyer’. Really.

David Cameron is Jesus. Probably.

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