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(satire – probably)

Nick Clegg has used the fifth anniversary of his election as Liberal Democrat leader to fight accusations that his party is irrelevant to policy making in the coalition by claiming he has successfully prevented plans by the Tories to drag Britain out of Europe using a giant sea turtle.

In a major speech delivered to the Centre Forum think tank in London which focussed on Britain’s relationship with the rest of Europe, the Lib Dem leader and Deputy Prime Minister claimed he had prevented his coalition partners from having the country towed across the Atlantic so it can be moored off the coast of the US where it would be used as a theme park.

Mr Clegg said:

The fact is – if not for the Liberal Democrats – many people in Britain would now be forced to wear Sherlock Holmes costumes while serving gin and tonics and roast beef and Yorkshire pudding to fat American tourists.

This shows the Lib Dems are prepared to put our foot down and say no – just as we did when the Tories were planning to sell Big Ben off to NASA to be used as a space rocket for a manned space mission to Mars.

In a statement, a spokesperson for the prime minister, David Cameron accepted his party had had to bow sometimes to pressure from their coalition partners:

Nick is a very tough and shrewd negotiator and when he demanded we drop plans to hand the Houses of Parliament over to a gang of Silurians who wanted to turn it into a flagship central London Tesco superstore, multiplex cinema and shopping mall in exchange for his support for the privatisation of the NHS – we had no choice but to agree.


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