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(satire – I think)

David Cameron has been warned that he could tear the Conservative Party in two if he goes ahead with plans to allow more daring sex between partners in marriage.

The Government is due to make an announcement this week that will give more detail of precisely what it is proposing, against a rising tide of outrage on the Tory back benches that the Prime Minister has been by won over by well-known Tory supporters of adventurous sex in marriage such as London Mayor Boris Johnson and ex-Prime Minister John Major.

But yesterday, the Monmouth MP David Davies described the proposal as “barking mad” and accused the Prime Minister of having “no mandate” for reforms to traditional boring marital sex and warned that allowing married partners to dress up in black rubber batman suits and shackle each other to the bed with fluffy pink handcuffs could “split” the party.

But Mr Cameron will be cheered by the heavyweight Tories who spoke out on his side of the argument yesterday, including well-known philanderers such as London’s Mayor, Boris Johnson, and John Major as well as cabinet minister, Michael Gove who said he would be “totally in favour” of spicing up his own sex life by dressing up as a schoolboy and asking his wife to give him “bottom marks” for causing serious damage to the country’s education system.

Mr Johnson told Sky News:

It is perfectly obvious that the constituency is there for something a bit more exciting than the old traditional samey-sex marriages – we should whack it through. Or spank it through if that’s what you prefer.

The former Prime Minister Sir John Major also praised the Prime Minister’s plans:

This is a courageous and genuine attempt to offer security and comfort to people who at present may be together, yet feel they need to play away occasionally, if you know what I mean?

For example, me and Edwina were so desperate to spice up our own boring lame-sex marriages we ended up shagging each other. Although she clearly got the worst of the deal, obviously.

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