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Labour leader to unveil English-language strategy as part of initiative to improve social integration between parents and teenagers in Britain

Under a Labour government, teenagers who have to interact with their parents and other members of the public will have to show proficiency in the English language – instead of just tutting and whining about everything being stupid, Ed Miliband will announce on Friday.

Outlining a major initiative to improve integration between parents and their offspring in Britain, the Labour leader will say that every teenager should know how to speak English, not just communicate by raising their eyes to heaven and muttering every time they’re asked to do something.

In a speech in London on Friday morning, Miliband will outline a three-point plan:

• The use of ‘mockney’ by anyone not actually born anywhere near the east end of London will be restricted along with other annoying mock accents such as West Indian patois by middle-class white kids.

• A requirement for employees in all publicly funded jobs in Newcastle to be able to communicate with members of the public in other parts of the UK by learning to speak English in a way the rest of us can understand.

• Schools and parents will be encouraged to share responsibility for helping teenagers become proficient in English by including lessons and intensive training on how to communicate without inserting the word “like” between every word in a sentence.

However, in a statement, a spokesperson for teenagers expressed opposition to the proposals by tutting loudly and saying:

That’s well out of order. I hate you!


Other articles by Tom Pride:

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Labour appoint first openly Tory minister

Tory Modernisers Vow To Drag Party Into 19th Century

Full-scale codger cull set to get government go-ahead

Controversial urine extraction method given go-ahead by government

Genealogists Confirm David Cameron Is A Bastard


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