(satire – I suppose)
George Osborne has admitted it was taking longer than expected for Britain to recover from the terrible effects of his own mishandling of the economy amid warnings that the Chancellor would miss his key economic targets of not being a complete incompetent waste of time and of space for at least two consecutive quarters.
The Chancellor also warned that the rich, the poor and everyone else in between would pay much more than at present when he unveils his Autumn Statement on Wednesday but ruled out Lib Dem proposals for a tax on being alive.
He also dismissed calls from Vince Cable to raise taxes on anyone who is not a fully-paid up member of the Liberal Democratic Party.
Mr Osborne said the independent Office for Budget Responsibility would report on Wednesday on whether the Government would meet its economic goal of reducing the deficit by forcing rich people to pay less tax, starving disabled people into finding non-existent jobs and raising taxes on grannies, hot pies and bedrooms.
Mr Osborne told BBC 1’s Andrew Marr Show:
It is clearly taking longer to recover from the severe economic incompetence the country has had to endure since I was put in charge of running things and obviously that’s disappointing.
But we should not lose sight that over the last year we have managed to create a much better situation where people have been so distracted by things like the Olympics and X Factor that they haven’t noticed my clear intellectual inability to be in charge of anything more important than wiping my own bottom.
That’s a real achievement.
For more dazzling information on George’s brilliance, here are some other articles by Tom Pride:
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