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(satire – I think!)

IMPORTANT ADVICE to media barons who may be thinking of buying a new prime minister this christmas


It’s a wonderful experience to see the excited faces of media moguls light up when they are presented with an adorable, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed brand new prime minister. However, there’s no getting away from the fact that the initial excitement doesn’t last very long and it is only one side of the coin.

Prime ministers are hard work. They chew, they soil, they can interrupt what you’re doing all the time, they dig and they demand a lot of attention – it’s rather like taking on a child.

Although prime ministers grow quickly, their education is a slow process, even if you have an intelligent breed. During your new prime minister’s education and socialisation you need to remain calm and patient at all times, and above all you must be consistent, even if you are at the end of your tether. One small slip up confuses your premier pup and all the house training you have done can be undone very quickly and set his education back a long time.

Newly acquired pet PMs tend to take up a lot of time, Just like a child, they need walking, toilet training, feeding, brushing, cleaning up after, as well as playing with. Some press barons can soon lose interest with all these chores and they inevitably fall into neglect. When thinking of taking on a new PM, you have to ask yourself if you have time for all these little jobs every day. If not, your bored depressed little prime minister will probably eat your sofa.

Of course political parties are applying hard sell tactics to persuade you to buy their pups especially in the run up to elections. They prey on unsuspecting press barons who are unsure if they should buy a premier puppy or not. The parties recklessly force media moguls into making rash decisions that are not thought through properly. The salesmen may say “Well, someone else is interested in this gorgeous premier”, of course there isn’t anyone else, they just want to force the sale by making the buyers think that they may lose the chance of buying the cute little puppy they have shown interest in. The PM breeders are not concerned if you are ready and able to take on a new premier, they are only thinking of the wonderful Christmas they can have once they have their hands on your newspapers.

So here is some advice to any media barons who may be thinking of taking on a new PM this Christmas.

Essential PM Training and Toilet Training
Every new PM needs to be taught good manners and have constructive lessons in basic control. This includes responding to its name, how to greet and behave politely around people and other animals, coming back when called, walking nicely on the lead, sit, down and stay on command, and allowing itself to be groomed and examined. As a PM owner you also need to learn what laws affect you and your lap-dog.

The first few days with your new prime minister will no doubt be wonderful and any mishaps will be regarded as little accidents and mischievous behaviour and all the PM’s naughtiness will be heart warming and laughed off.

But six to eight months down the line, your PM is still having little accidents. Your cute little puppy PM is now a big puppy PM, and proving to be a bit of a handful. Your readers have lost interest and everything is covered in dog hairs.

This is when the RSPCA see a boom in sad, lonely, unwanted PMs that have been abandoned by their media barons. The RSPCA cannot possibly re-home every Prime Minister that comes to them and the sad fact is that some cute adorable PMs have to be destroyed, due to no fault of their own, other than nobody wanted them.

So, Media barons, please please remember! A PM is for life – not just for Christmas!


With thanks – and apologies – to this article:

A Dog is for Life, Not Just for Christmas


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