(satire – I think)
One of the Conservatives Party’s biggest wigs Michael Fabricant has called for an electoral pact with the anti-EU party UKIP in which he suggests fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists with silly hairstyles from both parties would agree not to stand against each other at the next election.
Michael Fabricant – “Nigel Farage has a lot of his own hair”
Mr Fabricant praised UKIP leader Nigel Farange for his sensible hair and explained why he thought an electoral pact would be good for both parties:
Mr Farage sounds like a Conservative, looks like a Conservative, and in other circumstances probably would be a Conservative if it weren’t for the fact his hair is quite discreet, well-thought-out and rational.
However, I’m quite sure he has plenty of balding, fruitcake closet-racists in his party – just as we have in ours – who we would be more than happy to support in an electoral pact.
Mr Farange the UKIP leader, however, has emphatically rejected the idea out of hand, insisting all the fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists in his party had their own hair:
If Cameron went and a more pragmatic, grown up and sensible loony like Michael Gove was leader, we could sit around the table and have a proper discussion about which of the closet racists in both our parties to support.
But I wouldn’t even contemplate doing a deal unless we first had written in blood that our candidates wouldn’t have to have silly hairstyles at the next election like Mr Fabricant. Or Boris Johnson.
In another blow to the possibility of a deal being made between the two parties at the next election, Tory Party chairman Grant Schapps also rejected the idea, saying no deal would be done to protect the most vulnerable closet racists in marginal seats, including those candidates with the most sensible hairstyles:
I want to win the next election outright of course for the Conservatives so that we have an outright majority but I want to do that with Conservative candidates fighting and winning with their own hairstyles and that is exactly what we are going to do.
So I can categorically rule out any form of electoral pact with UKIP or anyone else – no matter how racist or sensible their hairstyle might be.
Related articles by Tom Pride:
Nick Clegg announces £126m scheme to encourage employers to take on unemployed Lib Dem politicians after next election
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