Tags

, , ,

(satire)

Scientists are warning that the number of native birds in the UK is plummeting because of increasing threats being made to them from experienced trappers such as millionaire Tory peers and other dangerous predatory species.

The shocking statistics are contained in the State of the UK’s Birds 2012 report, published on Monday, which says many native British species are vanishing from on-line social media after being scared off by the possibility of being sued for making offensive tweets.

Changes in libel laws and more restrictive management of on-line wastelands such as Facebook and Twitter are believed to have contributed to the losses. In some cases, native species have found it difficult to locate suitable places on the internet to be able to nest safely, or places where they can forage for information on-line safe from the talons of greedy Lords and voracious species of other hunters such as lawyers and solicitors.

One of the biggest losers is the house tit – which prefers to make its habitat in suburban bedrooms and survives on cold pizza and pies for most of the year – and is too easily scared off by the threat of being sued by big beasts of prey attracted by their tweets, even though experts say the threat is actually grossly exaggerated.

But there have been winners as well as losers. The McAlpine chaffinch – which prefers to nest in the south of Italy most of the year safe from the clutches of native predators such as the taxman –  has managed to increase its income by consuming hundreds of unsuspecting British tweeters a day.

.

More articles by Tom Pride:

Cameron orders investigation into abuse of top Tories by sinister rings of child abuse victims

Lord McAlpine to sue himself after mentioning own name in connection with false abuse allegations

BBC Apologises for Not Naming the Name of Unnamed Name it Didn’t Name

BBC Panorama investigates BBC Newsnight over BBC scandal of BBC cover-up over BBC scandal

BBC Denies It Was Aware Jimmy Savile Was A Northerner

Scientists discover dim stars orbitting massive black hole at heart of BBC

BBC – No Bias Against Extremist, Loony Left-Wing Parties Like Labour

Kayax Burleyus – scientists discover living vampire dinosaur on satellite television

OFCOM rules Murdoch ‘fit and proper’ to own David Cameron

.

By the way, if you click on any of these buttons below, you’ll be doing me a favour by sharing this article with other people. Thanks: