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(satire)
Scientists are warning that the number of native birds in the UK is plummeting because of increasing threats being made to them from experienced trappers such as millionaire Tory peers and other dangerous predatory species.
The shocking statistics are contained in the State of the UK’s Birds 2012 report, published on Monday, which says many native British species are vanishing from on-line social media after being scared off by the possibility of being sued for making offensive tweets.
Changes in libel laws and more restrictive management of on-line wastelands such as Facebook and Twitter are believed to have contributed to the losses. In some cases, native species have found it difficult to locate suitable places on the internet to be able to nest safely, or places where they can forage for information on-line safe from the talons of greedy Lords and voracious species of other hunters such as lawyers and solicitors.
One of the biggest losers is the house tit – which prefers to make its habitat in suburban bedrooms and survives on cold pizza and pies for most of the year – and is too easily scared off by the threat of being sued by big beasts of prey attracted by their tweets, even though experts say the threat is actually grossly exaggerated.
But there have been winners as well as losers. The McAlpine chaffinch – which prefers to nest in the south of Italy most of the year safe from the clutches of native predators such as the taxman – has managed to increase its income by consuming hundreds of unsuspecting British tweeters a day.
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More articles by Tom Pride:
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Lord McAlpine to sue himself after mentioning own name in connection with false abuse allegations
BBC Apologises for Not Naming the Name of Unnamed Name it Didn’t Name
BBC Panorama investigates BBC Newsnight over BBC scandal of BBC cover-up over BBC scandal
BBC Denies It Was Aware Jimmy Savile Was A Northerner
Scientists discover dim stars orbitting massive black hole at heart of BBC
BBC – No Bias Against Extremist, Loony Left-Wing Parties Like Labour
Kayax Burleyus – scientists discover living vampire dinosaur on satellite television
OFCOM rules Murdoch ‘fit and proper’ to own David Cameron
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when i was boy a cub scout on a trip to slimbridge bird sanctuary i had the pleasure of coming close to the rare McAlpine chaffinch.
i believe because of it’s wing to weight ratio flying was out of the question flying trips from italy usually required the bentley driven by his Chauffeur attenborough.
this odd bird was quite a sight i tell you.
rancid grey plumage it’s ruddy red cheeks and flaccid blue veined beak,bulging flatulent stomach and the strange wot wot wot song it sung.
what can i say simply repulsive horror,the stuff of conrad or ballard novel directed by kubrick or william friedkin.
at slimbridge we tempted the thing closer by pushing forward eddie the smallest and most innocent boy of are group.
the ruddy belching chaffince set upon poor eddie like a dog with a bone and the horn.
we never saw eddie again later we heard he had been banged up in a child line nspcc nonce facility.
are scout group with the help of the bbc jimmy savile and lovely kind ester ratface.
we raised 42 pounds in old money to help pay taxi fares for local nonces to visit the kids at the childline depot in slough.
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Sheer Brilliance 🙂
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