(satire – barely)
David Cameron has asked government departments to report to Number 10 urgently over shocking allegations that a number of top Tory peers and former Conservative politicians have been viciously abused by a secretive ring of ruthless care home children.
The move follows allegations from former Tory Party treasurer Lord McAlpine that he had suffered sickening abuse on the internet at the hands of several former child abuse victims.
The prime minister’s spokesman said:
It’s becoming clear that the real victims – the many Tory Lords and politicians who have suffered appalling abuse at the hands of their child victims – are being swept under the carpet and sidelined and that’s why it’s extremely important we are not distracted and make sure these allegations are properly investigated so never again will we have to worry about top members of our party being found out for doing anything wrong.
In a related development, a new cold case inquiry into historic abuse of senior members of the Tory Party has also been launched by police who are looking into allegations that several defenceless millionaire Conservative Lords – some of whom could have been as young as 9 years old once – may have had to endure prolonged on-line abuse going back as far as six days.
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