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(satire)

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith is expected to announce a crackdown on PROBLEM MPs who refuse to work, with a new scheme designed to encourage parliamentary scroungers to stop spending their days LAZYING AROUND in the Australian jungle eating kangaroo testicles instead of working.

Mr Duncan Smith explained that the proposals are designed to target FECKLESS WORKSHY SCROUNGERS in the House of Commons, to ensure that taxpayers’ money can no longer be used by some of them to FUND A LIFESTYLE of jetting around the world to exotic locations in order to appear live on reality television.

The first welfare recipients to be targeted are expected to be ANTI-SOCIAL and uncooperative Tory MPs from Liverpool, especially those who have a problem with keeping their mouth shut.

One long-term publicity ADDICT, Nadine from Liverpool, explained how the changes would be affecting her:

At the moment I spend most of the money I get on essentials such as crocodile penises and kangaroo anuses, so it’s going to be hard to get by without them. However, when I get back to Westminster, I can console myself by feasting regularly on toasted toff’s testicles and posh boy’s plums.

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Other articles by Tom Pride:

Scandal as Topless and Legless Royalty Denied Benefits by DWP

Prince Harry Heralds New Era Of Royal Openness By Getting His Tackle Out At A Party

Gary Barlow gets OBE for charity work with unemployed elderly royals

A Modest Proposal to Cut The Cost of Keeping the Unemployed Alive by Housing Them in Tesco!

Senior government adviser warns that problem banking families ‘have too many children’

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