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(satire – except the bit at the end about the Lib Dems – that’s actually true)

Philip Hammond, the defence secretary, has pledged that passengers on Britain’s buses and tube trains face a devastating nuclear strike should they attempt to travel anywhere in the country by public transport armed with backpacks or any other kind of shopping bags which could contain an explosive device – even if they are in possession of a valid ticket.

The statement was in response to accusations that government plans to spend billions on updating Britain’s Trident nuclear deterrent is a waste of money because it harks back to an outdated cold-war era threat and will do nothing to defend against the modern-day threat of passengers carrying backpacks on public transport.

Mr Hammond told the House of Commons:

The updated Trident will ensure everyone can sleep safe at night secure in the knowledge that the moment there is any attempt by any foreign-looking passenger to board any form of public transport carrying a suspicious looking backpack, a devastating array of nuclear warheads will be immediately launched at him as a deterrence.

The government has also confirmed that following an attempt in 2007 by a terrorist to drive a car full of explosives into Glasgow airport, any qualified doctors driving within a mile radius of a UK airport will trigger a nuclear strike by missiles launched from nuclear-powered ballistic missile submarines operating deep below the ocean surface.

In a related development, the defence secretary confirmed the government was considering the use of unmanned drones to counter the threat of elderly shoppers armed with two-wheeled shopping trolleys who may be using supermarkets as a cover for suicide attacks.

Security experts also say it is expected that intelligence agencies from NATO allies will be working closely together to monitor potential threats from the public transport system in the lawless remote regions of east London – particularly the notorious number 12 double-decker bus stopping at Peckham Rye.

However, the Liberal Democrats have pledged to vigorously oppose their coalition partner’s plans by ordering a thorough review which is due to be completed a year after the proposals have already been put into place.

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G4S Embassy Guards Sacked By US Government For Drinking Vodka Out Of Each Others’ Bottoms. Not satire – it’s true!

Oh dear! G4S were in charge of security at airport which let 9/11 hijackers slip through.

MoD Accused Of Abusing People’s Civil Rights While Killing Them

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