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Just 5 days after Felix Baumgartner’s won the title for the highest-ever freefall jump last Sunday, British cyclist Andrew Mitchell has managed to beat the Austrian dare-devil’s record by deliberately forcing his career into a breathtaking downward spin before allowing it to descend to earth with a bump.

Before his rapid descent, Mr Mitchell managed to climb to the highest levels of arrogance ever achieved by man and spent several days dangling on the edge of the abyss, before he was finally ready to step out without a parachute and go into the longest recorded freefall ever recorded in the history of human careers.

The prime minister, David Cameron praised Mr Mitchell as a ‘true British hero’ and said he hoped his ‘daring’ and ‘brave’ action would help to make politics safer for others people’s careers, especially his own.

The freefall plunge took much longer than anticipated after some initial difficulties with the seals on Mr Mitchell’s fate and a late discovery that due to the high altitude of the British cyclist’s career, his ego had become dangerously over-inflated and as a result he had become too big for his boots.

Mr Mitchell’s exciting live nosedive into oblivion was watched with baited breath by more than 60 million people in the UK and there was relief and celebrations across the country once he hit the ground and had been put back in his place along with the rest of the human race.


Related articles by Tom Pride:

Andrew Mitchell sacked by PM for splitting an infinitive at police officers

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Decriminalise possession of small amounts of smugness, say experts after six-year study

City centres turned into no-go areas by gangs of troublesome Tory MPs say police

Conservative Party pulls out of Conservative Party conference

Cameron tells unemployed – “Stop whinging and get daddy to find you a job!”

Tory Modernisers Vow To Drag Party Into 19th Century

David Cameron To Tackle Bullingdon Club Binge Drinking Scandal

Genealogists Confirm David Cameron Is A Bastard

Is Cameron a Secret Stalinist? Or just a Toffee-Nosed Pillock?


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