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David Cameron has set out plans to build “an aspidistra nation” as he closed the Conservative conference with a speech promising to help everybody in the country with their gardens, no matter what background they came from, and to put a pot plant in every home.

In a sometimes sombre address, the Prime Minister warned that the UK faces an “hour of reckoning” but that he was confident that Britain can “rise to the challenge” of ensuring a secure future for houseplants of all kinds, including succulents, cacti and even bonsai.

But Mr Cameron also told delegates the financial crash, coupled with the rise of new economic powers around the globe, mean that Britons can no longer assume that their country will automatically be able to continue to take its place in the world as a leading pot plant nation.

The Eton-educated PM acknowledged that his garden was “not a hard work story”, but said that the Conservatives were the party of “those who strive to make a better lawn for themselves, their families and their gardeners”.

Mr Cameron rejected Labour’s Plan B to stimulate growth as “a massive gamble with our economy, our future and our herbaceous borders”.

He insisted there would be no let-up in the Government’s deficit reduction programme, in which he and his ministers aimed to ensure strong growth by spreading bullshit over everything.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

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Is Cameron a Secret Stalinist? Or just a Toffee-Nosed Pillock?

Cameron tells unemployed – “Stop whinging and get daddy to find you a job!”

Who would you prefer as PM? Wallace or Flashman?

David Cameron leaves 4 million children behind after pub visit

David Cameron’s Advanced Driving Tips

Confirmation – Cameron to play Buzz Lightyear in Tory Story 4

Cameron announces emergency game of badminton to deal with fuel crisis

Cameron Privatises Britain’s Grannies. By Mistake. LOL

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