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(satire – barely)

In a barnstorming speech to the Conservative Party conference, David Cameron has sought to seize the commoner ground of British politics, asserting that his brand of compassionate Conservatism is not just for the rich, but for the vulgar, the great unwashed and the plebs too.

Despite a conference full of tough messages on burglary, welfare and mops, the prime minister insisted his was a ‘one nation’ party, encompassing serfs, the rabble and the hoi polloi as well as those like himself who were born to rule:

My mission from the day I became leader was to show that the Conservative Party is for everyone equally, whether you’re a hard-working millionaire or a feckless commoner, whether you’re a lazy northerner or a civilised southerner, whether you’re a black criminal or a white victim, whether you’re straight or sexually deviant – the Tory party treats everyone with equal disdain.

Mr Cameron also insisted he understood the hardships many people across the country were going through:

I have great sympathy for people without work and understand how difficult it it to be unemployed because I’ve never had a proper job in my life either.

But on the day after the IMF issued another downgrade of its UK growth forecasts, Cameron also issued a stark, almost existential, warning to the country, saying unparalleled global forces of incompetence and feckless leadership meant the prospects for his re-election were under serious threat:

Unless we act, unless we take difficult decisions, unless we show determination and imagination, there is a serious risk that Britain will not re-elect me. That’s why I am doing all I can – along with my party – to make sure the newspapers and the media talk about mops, killing badgers and hitting burglars on the head with table lamps instead of the unparalleled mess we’ve been making of the country’s economy.

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Related articles by Tom Pride:

Cameron is the first PM to pocket private rent while living at number 10

Spoof Twitter account complains it can’t compete with genuine PM on sounding like a twat

David Cameron is Jesus. Probably.

Is Cameron a Secret Stalinist? Or just a Toffee-Nosed Pillock?

Cameron tells unemployed – “Stop whinging and get daddy to find you a job!”

Who would you prefer as PM? Wallace or Flashman?

David Cameron leaves 4 million children behind after pub visit

David Cameron’s Advanced Driving Tips

Confirmation – Cameron to play Buzz Lightyear in Tory Story 4

Cameron Lectures Eurozone On How to Ruin Economy

Comrades Clegg & Cameron Announce 5-Year Plan in Tractor Factory

Cameron announces emergency game of badminton to deal with fuel crisis

Cameron Privatises Britain’s Grannies. By Mistake. LOL

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