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(satire)

HOMEOWNERS who batter bankers who are trying to steal their homes from them or threaten their families with hardship — even if they shoot or stab one in the heat of the moment — will escape prosecution, Justice Secretary Chris Grayling will announce today.

Homeowners will be allowed to use “disproportionate” force against bankers while fearing for the safety of their homes.

In his speech to the Conservative conference, Mr Grayling said:

Being confronted by a banker trying to steal your home is terrifying. The public should be in no doubt the law is on their side when it comes to tackling them.

Householders who act instinctively and honestly in self-defence when trying to protect their families from grasping, thieving bankers are victims of crime and should be treated that way.  That is why I am strengthening the current law and allowing householders to bash bankers as much as they want whenever they come within slapping distance of them.

Home Secretary Theresa May is also expected to unveil plans to allow victims of anti-social behaviour from Tory MPs – such as Downing Street police officers – to choose a “payback” punishment for the offenders. This could include punishments as severe as having to say they are sorry or admit they were wrong.

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Is Cameron a Secret Stalinist? Or just a Toffee-Nosed Pillock?

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