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(satire – barely)

The Prime Minister David Cameron has sought to refute accusations his party is full of out-of-touch snobs by cracking down hard on Andrew Mitchell, the Tory Party Chief Whip, for using a split infinitive during his tirade against police officers who were guarding Downing Street.

The change of heart comes after the MP for Sutton Coldfield admitted he had split the infinitive within earshot of the officers during the altercation when he allegedly said to them: You guys are supposed to fucking help us.

Mr Cameron had initially stood by Mr Mitchell when it was first revealed he had sworn at the officers and called them ‘plebs’ but number 10 swiftly denounced his use of language when Mr Mitchell accepted that he had accidentally allowed himself to split the infinitive ‘to help‘ with the word ‘fucking‘ while addressing the officers.

In a statement, Mr Cameron explained the reasons for the sudden about turn:

It has become clear now that an openly split infinitive was used by Mr Mitchell – a situation which is completely unacceptable – and I would like to make it absolutely clear that this administration will not put up with any member of my government using obscenities such as split infinitives, dangling modifiers and hanging participles within earshot of hard-working police officers – even though they’re such plebs they probably don’t even know what a split infinitive is anyway.


Related articles by Tom Pride:

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Scandal as Topless and Legless Royalty Denied Benefits by DWP

Tory Modernisers Vow To Drag Party Into 19th Century

David Cameron To Tackle Bullingdon Club Binge Drinking Scandal

Genealogists Confirm David Cameron Is A Bastard

Is Cameron a Secret Stalinist? Or just a Toffee-Nosed Pillock?


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