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The GCSE exams in England are going to be replaced by a qualification called the English Bacchanalian Certificate which aims to be more relevant to the needs of Britain’s youth by focusing on traditional subjects such as getting pissed, larging it up at the weekend and fighting.

A shake-up of the exam system, unveiled by Education Secretary Michael Gove, will mean an end to module learning and continuous classroom assessments – both of which will be replaced with a single end-of-course exam to be taken on a Saturday night with a group of pissed-up mates outside a club in the town centre somewhere.

The education secretary, Michael Gove, said the old GCSEs needed to be updated as they were designed “for a different age and a different world” when young people didn’t spend their saturday nights lying completely rat-arsed in a pool of their own vomit.

The education secretary said the changes would modernise the education system “so it can provide more truly rigorous, drink-fuelled partying, allow British saturday night piss-ups to compete with the best in the world, and give equal opportunity for every child from every background to be able to succeed in getting totally skunked on cheap lager whenever necessary”.

However, critics have attacked the plans saying the new exams will give a bigger advantage to pupils from public schools such as Eton who are used to spending most of their education in exclusive clubs, getting drunk, smashing things up and sticking George Osborne’s head down the toilet.

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