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(satire)

Seriously legless and topless blue-blooded people who are unable to find work are being wrongly denied benefits by the Department for Work and Pensions, a report by Citizens Advice has claimed.

The bureau says the system of assessing Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) claimants for unemployed royalty is failing, with 68% of those assessed told they are fit for work despite being clearly too topless or legless to hold down a job.

‘Crude approach’

It also says “crude” tests fail to allow for the complexities of the many afflictions royals regularly suffer from such as being pie-eyed, blind-drunk, smashed, sloshed or stark bollock naked while on holiday.

The Department for Work and Pensions (DWP), which reviews the system annually, says it will look again at complaints by royal claimants who claim they are expected to fund a jetset luxury lifestyle on meagre state handouts which often amount to just a few hundred million a year.

Unemployed royals have also complained that to qualify for benefits, they are expected to regularly attend and romp naked at sex parties while being forced to consume large amounts of Pimms or show they are able to navigate difficult tasks such as getting their tits out on a French beach without being photographed.

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Other articles by Tom Pride:

Prince Harry Heralds New Era Of Royal Openness By Getting His Tackle Out At A Party

Gary Barlow gets OBE for charity work with unemployed elderly royals

Prince Philip admitted to hospital as a precautionary measure against having to watch Gary Barlow in concert

Big Ben’s tower to be renamed in honour of luxury cruise ship

Queen Hits Out At Cruel Tyrants By Inviting Them For Lunch

Hunting of Carlos The Great White Elephant Arouses Anger in Recession-Hit Spain

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